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Gue sekarang dah ngerti knapa kmaren ini semua itu terjadi. Dah terbuka deh. Dan ternyata gue juga ada salahnya. hehe. And gue udah diHAJAR ama Tuhan hehe 😛

Gue juga jadi ngerti knapa waktu hati gue hancur itu, yg nangis2 ga karu2an, Tuhan ga sayank2 gue sama skali. Ternyata selain Dia mao gue grow up, Dia ga sayang2 gue karena emang gue yg salah. hehe. But eventhough Dia tau gue salah, meskipun Dia ga sayank2 gue, Dia tetep kasih gue support thru His Firman and dari temen2 yg menguatkan gue.

Gue salahnya karena gue kemakan seed of doubts yg ditebarin ama orang lain. And because of that, gue jadi goyah and ngeluarin statement2 yg menyakitkan orang yg bersangkutan. And in return dia juga ngeluarin statement2 yg nyakitin juga hehe. And lucu pas itu sih kan lagi ditelpon, yg kita pada emosi, tiba2 telponnya mati alias baterenya abis. Now I understand, ama Tuhan emang sengaja di cut supaya kita ga tambah emosi and tanpa kita sadari saling nyakiti gitu deh.

Praise God banget semuanya udah jelas. Gue udah minta maap ama orang yg bersangkutan. Dia juga minta maap.

But the cup masih nyata banget gue harus tanggung. Tapi gue juga sadar that that cup yg gue harus tanggung ternyata bukan hanya ttg nanggung kesalahan orang lain dimasa lalunya, tapi juga buat nge-shape gue. Pas orang yg bersangkutan ngomong ke gue “Kamu lagi dibentuk dalam iman kesabaran dan ketekunan”, wah gue jadi langsung inget ama Firman yg gue dapet taun lalu ttg perkara ini. And gue dapetin tuh Firman secara luar biasa deh. Yaitu Romans 12:12 “Bersuka citalah dalam pengharapan, bersabarlah dalam kesesakan dan bertekunlah dalam doa.”

Then gue jadi keinget ama duluuuu banget abt 5 years ago, saat gue baru bertobat, ada satu pastor yg doain gue. Pas itu gue juga lagi bergumul dalam this specific area of my life. And he said this to me,
“Kamu itu seperti Abraham, yg sudah dapet janji Tuhan bahwa Dia akan memberi Isaac. Tapi karena Abraham ga ngeliat adanya hal itu akan terjadi, dia ambil jalan pintas dan melahirkan Ismael. You try to make things happen by your own means and thus malah bikin problematic.”

Ya gue jadi ngerti kenapa Tuhan drag this matter for so long, sampe 2 years nih. Ternyata Tuhan ngeliat sifat gue yg kayak Abraham, yg kalo gue ngeliat things ga happen, gue take jalan pintas. And He wants to produce buah ‘kesabaran dan ketekunan’ dari diri gue. And saat waktunya sudah semakin dekat, pas udah tenang2, eh di turned upside down, and gue reaksi. Tuhan ijinin ini terjadi karena Dia masih mao liat apa gue tetep sabar dan tekun saat this thing tiba2 berbalik 180 degrees. Tapi ternyata gue emosi hehehe.. But again this thing di allow Tuhan to happen so that I learned. And I did learn! Many things! Salah satu pengujian gue lah. And Tuhan udah kasih ultimatum yg gue harus nurut. Gue ga boleh doubt lagi, kalo doubt lagi nih, ga tau gimana lagi Tuhan bakal HAJAR gue. Sakit banget man.. gue KAPOK deh Tuhan. Dari hal ini gue juga belajar ttg Tuhan yg mengasihi dan juga yg mendisiplin anakNya. Dihajar Tuhan itu ga enak banget man, tapi it’s for my own good. 🙂

Salah satu penghiburan buat gue is when I know this thing affected me badly on Saturday and Sunday, ternyata affected that person juga that badly sampe dia lupa ngasih tau pastor yg bersangkutan soal sesuatu yg penting banget, sampe that person kena marah abis2an. HAUEhAUEhaEe. Penghiburan buat gue coz now I know kita sama2 suffer… ternyata ga gue aja gituh hAUEhAUEHuAheaeeh 😛 But its a good suffering. 🙂

Then salah satu pengujian yg gue dapetin dari hal ini adalah about harga diri gue. Tuhan mao liat apa harga diri gue itu bener2 rooted in Him. This thing happened itu sampe bikin heboh, and salah satu pastor ngomong ke gue gini dengan nada emosi,

“Nelly! Pastor mao bilang kalau kamu itu ada harganya! Kamu itu seorang professional. Dengan cara begini kamu itu seperti mengemis2.. etc etc..”

Gile. Pas gue digituin gue sakit banget lahhhh. Apalagi dari seorang pastor yg gue respect banget. But I could answer him with calm voice, meskipun hati gue sempet berdarah digituin. Gue jelasin that dia salah paham. Gue ngelakuin itu bukan karena kehendak gue. And dengan firm gue bilang ke dia that gue tau harga diri gue ga ditentuin ama sapa2, gue tau harga diri gue dalam Tuhan itu gimana etc etc..

So yeah, gue tau gue pasti udah disangka orang macem2 deh. And mereka pasti pikir gue macem2 juga. But amazingly, gue tetep lookand move forward. Terserah mereka mo ngatain gue apa, meskipun sakit, gue swallow that feeling and tetep focus on what God wants me to do. Nah disitu gue ngerti, that gue lagi diuji ttg my harga diri. Apakah based on other people.

And gue tau ini bukan kekuatan gue sebagai manusia. Kalo gue liat, ga mungkin banget gue tahan dikata2in macem2 gitu apalagi ama pastor yg gue respect. Tapi I know Tuhan gunain pastor2 to shape me. And somehow, gue masih bisa maafin pastor ini and dont care what he said, I still know what I’m worth in God. Breakthru buat gue lah. And I still respect and like that pastor.

Then on Tuesday, gue dapetin revelation knapa semua ini terjadi. Ternyata emang more into shaping me. And gue juga sadar, saat gue meresponi the trial dengan hati yg ga marah ama Tuhan, ga ngomel, ga kepaitan ama Tuhan, Tuhan bukain tuh maksud Dia apa. Its like orang2 Israel yg Tuhan sengaja taruh di padang gurun for 40 years karena mereka complained to Him. And for my case, praise God, only took 3 days, karena gue meresponi dengan benar with my heart attitude and gue juga willing to drink the cup. Jadi gue cepet kuarnya dari desert itu. Kalo gue ngomel2, complain2 waktu this trial happened, pasti bakal lebih lama karena gue ga lulus2. But yah I don’t dare to take the credit for it, karena ntar dihajar Tuhan lagi karena sombong hehehe.. 😛

Then gue juga ngerti this trial is like a storm. Kan gue bilang sebelum ini terjadi, semuanya tenang2 aja. Gue calm and content with everything. It was the calm before the storm. Then tiba2 storm dateng. Dan skarang stormnya subside. Belum selesai bener2 tapi gue udah bisa liat hasilnya.
Gue kmaren baca devotional pas banget ama situasi gue. It was talking about a tree in the storm. I can see myself as that tree. Jadi gue ini like a tree yg diserang storm. A tree that God planted. Dan emang Tuhan sengaja kasih tuh storm for me to deepen my roots. Ya emang sih, dari trial ini, gue jadi belajar supaya ga doubt satu hal, gue jadi tambah yakin and tambah rooted. Eventhough in the process, I lost a few leaves, some battered and gone, but roots gue smakin deepen. Gue still standing after that strong wind. Thank You Lord. Once more, gue ga berani ambil credit nyaaa.. ntar gue dihajar Tuhan lagiiii *KAPOK* HAUEhuAEhuAHEaE

And yesterday morning, gue dapet mimpi. I was already in front of my workplace. Tapi gue kayak ga sadar gitu, gue langsung cepet2 masuk taxi yg ada didepan pintu kantor gue, and I said to the taxi driver “can you go to this address, my office. I’m late for work!!”

Then the driver just moved the car a bit then stop. Trus gue baru sadar kalau gue ini udah dari tadi didepan kantor. Gue kecele. And kesel knapa gue baru sadar. And gue masih harus bayar fare taxi tersebut $3.60, yg menurut gue ga sepantasnya, karena gue bego banget ga sadar kalo gue itu udah didepan pintu kantor. Ngapain coba naik taxi, cuma tinggal beberapa langkah gue tuh udah reach kantor gue. And I saw the taxi driver just laughed at me.

Then gue dapet understanding. Mimpi itu represent my current condition. Gue udah tau kalao gue itu udah menuju tempet tujuan, tapi gue ga sadar. And gue berusaha cepet2 cari jalan pintas, pingin cepet2 pegi gitu deh, cari jalan keluar or something. And in the proses, karena kebegoan gue yg ga sadar itu kalau gue udah nyampe, gue jadi harus bayar. Ya gue bayarnya kmaren dengan 2 hari nangis2 itu hAUehuHeuAEe.. parah. Then taxi driver itu pake baju putih2, and for me dia tuh represent God, Dia cuma ngetawain gue saat gue mau pegi cepet2 ke tempet tujuannya dengan cara lain yg lebih makan waktu, padahal Dia tau gue tinggal beberapa langkah lagi dah nyampe. Cuma gue ga sabar dan ga sadar gitu. So yeah gitu deh. Hopefully make any sense to you guys hehehe…

So conclusion….. tenkiu Lord for the storm. 🙂

Below dari devotional gue kmaren:

You have been in the storms and swept by raging winds.
Have they left you broken, weary and beaten in the valley
or have they lifted you to the sunlit summits of a richer, deeper,
more abiding manhood or womanhood?

The wind that blows can never kill the tree that God plants.
It blows toward east, and then toward west,
the tender leaves have little rest, but any wind that blows is best.
The tree that God plants strike deeper root,
grow higher still,
spread greater limbs,
for God’s will meet all its wants.

There is no storm has power to blast the tree God knows.
No thunderbolt, nor beating rain,
Nor lighting flash, nor hurricane
when they are spent, it does remain.
The tree God knows,
thru every storm it still stands fast
and from its first day to its last,
still fairer grows.

—————————————-

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. (Psalm 37:5-7)