Super duper long entry hehe…
But gue mo testify what just happened and what God revealed to me.
I can’t say what exactly happened, karena belon waktunya. It is about the thing that I’ve prayed for 2 years itu. Gue cuma mao cerita the breakthru aja.
Last saturday, something happened yg bikin everything upside down. I wasn’t expecting that to happen at all. I was thinking lately, everything so calm, ga ada riak. Eh tiba2 ini happened, and it reli bikin gue kaget. Padahal miracle did happen end of last month. How come tiba2 semuanya jadi di turn upside down. Then gue dapet understanding, it was like the calm before the storm.
So this thing yg happened bikin gue kaget. And gue tanya Tuhan, “gimana Lord? What should I do?” Then for the last 2 days since that Saturday, gue dibukain banyak hal and semua Firman and semua nubuatan buat gue sejak 2 taon lalu regarding this matter, semuanya nyambung. And I understand now. Especially when Pastor Amos said beginning of last year when he said “Dont worry miracle will happen, but the decision is yours.” Saat itu gue ga begitu ngerti maksudnya. Whats up with making decision? … Now setelah ini semua terjadi, gue ngerti. And yes, now gue dikasih Tuhan option to choose. That I’m the one who has to make the decision.
Trus, on that Saturday night, gue bener2 hancur. Nangis terus gile, sometimes during that night, my heart was numb but I dont know why I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Then gue cried out to God “Tuhan, I reli feel like I want to disappear… Please take this away from me!!” .. Then tiba2 gue keinget ama verse yg gue tempel didinding kamar gue yaitu:
2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
Then I was reminded again of what God said to me end of last year regarding this year. He said:
” Things will not be easy for you in 2008. There will be harder trials and challenges. You may stumble, you may cry out to Me to take the cups away from you…”
Then gue ngerti, that this is my cup (cawan suffering). And gue ngerasa situasi dimana gue berada sekarang, I don’t deserve to be in it. And di buku renungan itu tiba2 dia tulis, you are not worthy of the desert, of the suffering. Gue tau hal ini terjadi karena someone else’s perbuatan di masa lalunya. And ini adalah harga yg harus dia bayar but kenapa aku juga harus bayar harga dia gitu. But then somehow I was reminded of Jesus. Dia ga deserve to pay the price yg semestinya kita yg harus bayar. Tapi Dia yg nanggung itu smua.
So thats why gue bisa ngeliat posisi gue saat itu, Tuhan lagi nawarin gue that cup of suffering. It’s not the price that I have to pay, but someone else’s price. Tapi gue mao ga menanggungnya? Gue takut pas itu. And gue liat diri gue ambil itu cup but gue still ga berani untuk minum. Karena disaat gue ambil keputusan to drink that cup, there so much more trials yg gue bakal face. Yg I’m not sure I can take it. Then all of a sudden gue dapet Firman ini:
“O God my rock,” I cry,
“Why have you forsaken me?”
Gue kaget coz thats what exactly yg Yesus bilang saat Dia disalib. And saat Dia berdoa di taman Getsemani, yg dia sampe nangis, and pori2nya berkeringat seperti darah, coz He was so afraid of the things ahead. He cried out to God juga to take the cup away kan.
Then gue keinget lagi ama nubuatan pastor Danny for me last year too. He said:
“Sometimes, you are asking God, why each time you offer yourself to HIM like a whole loaf of bread, you get it back broken into little pieces. It is like Jesus, He has to break the bread to feed many others”
Gue jadi ngerti. Sejak Pastor Danny nubuat itu, emang Tuhan bener2 mao break gue seperti Jesus. Last year it was like a bread, untuk kasih makan orang banyak, proven saat gue do seminar di Skolah Teologia, students2nya merasa hal2 yg gue bawain itu memuaskan pertanyaan2 mereka. Itu kan hasil dimana gue dibreak like a bread ama Tuhan. Skarang setelah bread, Tuhan kasih gue cawannya. Lengkap deh. hehehe.. 🙂 And this cup, gue ngerti, it’s about taking other people’s price. Nanggung harga yg mestinya dibayar ama orang lain. Just like Jesus.
And ga kebetulan, kmaren di gereja ada Holy Communion. Gue kaget lagi hehehe.. disaat gue masih ragu2 untuk drink the cup or not, kok tiba2 ada Holy communion. Its like God is saying itu sbagai simbol. And yg bikin gue kaget lagi, Pastor Joseph kmaren preaching ttg being Jesus. His words that strike me, “God expect that from Jesus, and He expect the same thing from us” Haha.. kena lah gue. If I have to be Jesus, gue harus minum itu cup of suffering.
And gue keinget lagi janji gue ama Tuhan. That gue bener2 mao mengabdi ama Dia. As my response of His love to me. That’s all that I can do. And gue tau, saat gue ambil keputusan mengabdi itu, salah satu prosesnya, Tuhan akan hancurkan semuanya yg ada di gue. My heart, my dreams, my hopes, my wants. Karena Dia mao smua itu berasal dari Dia. Tuhan bukan Tuhan yg jahat. He does all that so that He can bring the best for me. Keinginan2 gue belon tentu yg the best for me gitu. And gue emang dulu ambil keputusan that gue mao Tuhan hancurin, gue udah menyiapkan diri untuk itu. So I know saat semua ini terjadi, ini bener2 my penyaliban diri. Kan trakhir2 emang itu yg terjadi ama gue. Yg kmaren2 sih emang my own price that I have to pay, but this time, it’s someone else’s price.
And Tuhan ga maksa gue untuk minum cup itu. He just sodorin ke gue. But I know.. semua Firman and the sermon yg gue dapetin kmaren menunjuk that I have to drink it. But He didn’t force me. So gue disaat sermon, gue ambil keputusan that no matter what I had to obey. Gue akan minum cup itu. Then pas the wine and bread dibagiin pas Holy Communion, disaat gue makan breadnya, gue bisa ngerasa this is so real. Bukan sebagai lambang lagi. And Pastor Joseph quoted Jesus saat He broke the bread “As you eat this, do this as a remembrance of Me”. Man!! saat itu gue bisa ngerasaain this is what Jesus meant when He said “remember Me”, that gue memang harus jadi seperti Dia.
Then setelah gue makan tuh bread, gue angkat the cup of wine tinggi2 kan. Tangan gue gemeteran. Honestly when I drank that cup, gue gemeteran. Coz I know the things ahead will be much harder, and I honestly don’t know if I could make it. But I chose to drink the cup, like what Jesus did. Eventhough Dia juga gemetaran sampe berkeringat darah. And saat gue minum cupnya, I said to God “Tuhan, at the moment I cant see that I can take all thats coming, but I do this by faith coz I know this is what You expect from me” 🙂
After that drink, ga tau knapa, everything became so hard on that day. It’s reli hard for me for not crying. Gue bener2 struggle di gereja kmaren. Harus face a lot of people. Especially my youth. And some of them sensed it. Eventhough I laughed with them, I felt ada heaviness in me. Gue ngerasa so not me, gampang banget on that day air mata gue ngalir. Gue udah tahan2in. Tapi yah gitu. Sampe ada a few yg nanya out of the blue, “ci, are you crying?”, “are you sad?”. Hehe. I just felt kmaren ini things kerasa so heavy. Lagi terluka lah. Pas di food court lagi! malu2in abis coz dikit2 nangis, karena wound gue masih raw, and slightest rub on it, bikin gue react by crying hUAHEuaHEuhaEe.. very aneh lah. So not me. Sampe si Lala ga tenang ngeliat gue, and tenkiu La for crying with me saat gue ceritain what happened. That means a lot. 🙂 And Davin juga kelabakan ngeliat gue, sampe dia bilang “jgn nangis yaaa, please” Coz salah satu weakness dia, gue baru tau.. yaitu dia ga tahan liat cewe nangis (yess!! I can use that weakness sometimes in the future HAUEhAUEhuaHEe.. 😛 ) . Sorry guys yah for yesterday, I wasn’t myself. But I thank God bgt for you guys yg udah support me banget. I love you guys banget banget hehehe.. really appreciate it. I thank God for the love of God in you guys thats so real for me. 🙂
And sejak Sabtu malem itu, sampe skarang, gue ga ngerasa sama skali Tuhan touch me. What I mean by that is: biasanya setiap kali gue menghadapi trials regarding this matter, and disaat gue nangis, Dia selalu touched me, peluk gue, sayank2 gue. But this time, He is not. But this time, I can feel Him watching, He offered the cup in His hand, and He is firm. And yg gue dapetin, He wants me to grow up this time. Ga perlu kayak dulu lagi, yg setiap kalau gue nangis soal ini, Dia sayang2 gue. And gue ngerti that He is being a Good Father. Meskipun Dia ga sayang2 gue, He wants to show me that gue udah gede, udah ga perlu lagi disayang2. Yg perlu di touched supaya ngerasa kalo Dia sayank gue gitu. And I understand that. Gue ga ngerasa sakit hati, kepaitan, or mengeluh ama Tuhan all this happened, yg tiba2 semuanya jadi berbalik 180 degrees. Gue ngerasa no matter what, He is GOD gitu loh. Banyak orang yg trying to critize God. Not happy of things that happened to them and complain, saying that God is unfair etc. I don’t want to be one of them. Gue mao belajar jadi anak yg baik. 🙂 Don’t be silly, who am I to judge and criticize Him?
Gue ngerasa skarang, at this very moment, He is looking at down at me and has a smile on His face. He is well-pleased karena gue ngeresponi ini smua dengan sikap hati yg benar. Thank you Lord. 🙂
And kmaren kan gue ga ngerasa Dia touched me, but He knows in the process of me growing up, gue masih butuh support from Him. He is like a Father yg liat anaknya lagi stumble, jatuh dan terluka, tapi Dia ga langsung lari datengin tuh anak dan sayank2. Tapi Dia watching, and Dia still memberi dukungan dibelakang. He proved that to me, by this: .. tiba2 si Nesha kmaren pas di gereja and di food court, said only this and nothing else: “I love you” to me 3 times in different occasions. Then malemnya, si Edo tiba2 telpon and he said suddenly got the burden to pray for me. 🙂 And when I smsed Nesha saying tenkiu for the ‘I love you’, she replied, “I just felt that you need it.” And gue bisa ngeliat that is God working. A Father yg ga pernah akan ninggalin anakNya, Dia tau sampai mana batas kemampuan anakNya menghadapi smua ini.
Trus kmaren Pastor Joseph, who knows whats going on and actually all of us involved straight in it… he said “saat kamu minum cawan(cup) itu, dan Tuhan mengijinkan semua ini terjadi, berarti Tuhan akan memberi kamu pengurapan double, kasih Tuhan akan smakin dinyatakan dalam hidupmu. Dan He will reveal Himself more to you, more than other people. Seperti Katherine Khulman. Dia juga harus minum cawan dari Tuhan, tapi kamu lihat, Tuhan reveal Himself more to her. And her ministry is very powerful because of that.”
WOW.. and that is a confirmation for me. A confirmation ttg apa yg gue dapetin last year for this year itu kan. Yg ini:
“Things will not be easy for you. 2008 will have you run even faster. There will be harder trials and challenges. But MY GRACE is sufficient for you. Though you may stumble, you may cry out to Me to take the cups away, but I promise you, … through all these trials, YOU WILL KNOW WHO I REALLY AM…. And that’s the greatest reward of all….”
He is saying that He will reveal Himself more to me. WOW.. that’s really the greatest reward of all !!!! HAUEhaUEhuaEhuaeh cool… and HE promise me that, man! Haleluyah banget! 🙂
And itu yg bikin gue tegar. And devotional kmaren said, when you were in the desert, you responded with the right attitude, still keeping your soul to God, He will give you a reward, He will increase His blessing on you a ten, sixty, hundred times more.
And saat gue baca itu, gue keinget ama nubuatan Pastor Danny lagi taun lalu. He said to me, “new life will come, there will be an increase…” and Pastor Amos nubuat the same thing to me this year yaitu there will be an increase for me. Haha.. i know increase nya both in blessings and trials .. hehe.. but it’s cool.
Isn’t it soooo amazing?? Almost every nubuatan and suara dan Firman Tuhan yg gue dapetin, semuanya nyambunggggggggg!!! Even when I drank the cup, gue gemeteran kan. And HE said “my Grace is sufficient for you”, itu relevant banget ama yg gue tulis diatas, kata2 Tuhan yg gue dapetin for this year.
Man!! Tuhan emang luar biasa.
Gue tulis ini semua, karena gue ngerasa He deserves all the glory. His ways are beyond my ways, meskipun sakit2 tapi Dia tetep proves himself to be my GOD yg I can count on Him at all times. Yg ga ada satu pun bisa menyaingi jalanNya. I applaud my God for this!… 😀
Tuhan!! Kenapa Engkau bisa seKEREN ITU YAAAA???? *stupid question* hAUEhuaEhuaehuae 😛
From my devotional this morning:
Tetapi Engkau, ya TUHAN, adalah perisai yang melindungi aku. Kauberi aku kemenangan, dan Kaubesarkan hatiku. Aku berseru kepada TUHAN; dari bukit-Nya yang suci Ia menjawab aku. Aku berbaring dan tidur dengan tentram, dan bangun lagi, sebab TUHAN menopang aku.~~
Buatlah keputusan yg tegas bahwa apapun yg datang menghantam hidupmu, kamu akan tetap berdiri secara mental.