Just to inform you all that gue skarang taruh a new page link di atas. Yaitu ‘How I met my Two Lovers’. Those postings yang paling banyak dibaca sama pembaca blog gue. Please have a read if you haven’t done so. :)
So I just realized my last posting udah 3 bulan lalu wkwk. Saatnya di update lah ya.
For those yg ga tau, we have a new member in our family. Gue baru melahirkan second boy in January 2015. Prosesnya asik dan menarik wkwk, beda dengan saat ngelahirin Aiden.
So how did I find out that I was preggy? Kita ga ada rencana mo punya baby that moment. But pas tanggal 1 mei 2014, pas abis bangun tidur, kok tiba2 gue pusing and mual and pingin banget makan pizza!! kwkwkwk My hubby langsung beliin pizza deh. 8 pieces abis semua ama gue coba wkwkwk. Trus gue besok2nya muntah2, and gue have a feeling kok modelnya sama ama pas hamil Aiden, muntah2 gitu. Gue bilang donk ama G, apa gue hamil ya? Dia bilang ga mungkin and kayaknya gue mual gara2 kmaren masak pake expired oyster sauce hahaha.
But gue penasaran and gue ngerasa kayaknya hamil nih, jadi gue ke dokter buat periksa. And beneran loh saya hamil. Lumayan deg2an juga pas tau hamil karena yah of coz dimata manusia, financially kagak mampu. But itu kan pandangan manusia hehe. Kalo Tuhan kasih, berarti Tuhan yg provide, ya kan. So no worries, mate.
Luar biasa the proses of faithnya leading to the birth of Lyon. Sampe kayaknya ‘menantang’ dokter wkwkkw. Anyway gue cuma ketemu gynae (dokter kandungan) 3 kali selama preggy, because I felt gue ga perlu pergi sering2. Tuhan udah kasih gue conviction itu so yah gue santai2 aja. Banyak orang bingung pas tau kita ga sering visit doctor, but karena Tuhan udah ngomong ya kita damai sejahtera aja. He said, ‘Lyon is in His perfect Hand, He’s taking care of him Himself. No need to fear.’
Btw kita kan disuruh bikin appointment every month, tapi kita ga bikin. Pas kita ketemu dokternya lagi in abt 2 month gitu, dokternya sampe manggil gue balik lagi ke ruangannya (waktu itu kita uda mau pulang), and asked me, “why u didnt come back last month to see me?”
Gue bilang, “no need lah, everything is ok right? i mean baby ok etc…”
Doc nya replied sambil cengengesan and bertampang bingung,”yah ok everything ok…. ok then..” kwkwkwkwk
Nah terus waktu gue udah weeks 37 preggy, gue ketemu dia lagi kan. And my due date (hari estimasi Lyon lahir) itu tgl 1 january 2015. Dokternya bilang gini, “if on the 1st of January, baby not coming out, you must be induced ok?”,
(Induce itu proses dimana kita dikasih chemical oxytocin (disuntik) buat ngerangsang kontraksi. Supaya babynya cepat kuar. Nah gue ga mau banget. Because I believe in God’s timing. Kalo baby belon mau kuar ya ga usah dipaksa lah! Let him want to come out when he wants to come out. When he’s ready, he will come out.)
Yah gue bengong donk dokternya bilang gitu. Trus gue bilang, “lets wait and see. I want everything natural. Why so rush…”
Doc nya reply, “but some people in their 38 weeks, they already given birth.”
Dalem hati, gue bilang yah itu kan orang laen. Tapi gue diem and senyum2 aja lah di depan dokter… hehe.
Tapi dalam perjalanan pulang, gue jadi sebel and marah sama si dokter. Kok seenaknya sendiri suruh orang induce. Orang jowo bilang,”sak enak e dewe”. Lah wong babynya ga knapa2. Kayaknya maksa bgt sih. Lagian due date is just an estimation. Human estimation. Kan kita sendiri ga tau kapan conception (pembuahan) itu bener2 terjadi. I know so many cases, when the doctor induced the mommy, at the end, larinya jadi emergency caesar, because ada komplikasi or apaan lah, because babynya ga ready. It happens too many times and I don’t want that! Jadi yah gue sempet marah and ngomel2 ke G mau ganti dokter aja lah! Tapi G bilang, kita tetep sama dokter itu aja, but we dont have to come back to induce… we will show her (the doctor) God’s divine work.
Yep, I got it. So kita ga kembali lagi ke dokter itu sampe at the very end si Lyon mo lahir kekekek. Sampe ditelp ama dokternya karena we didnt make any appointment,… dan kita ga angkat telponnya :P
Then tgl 1 january pun datang. Ga ada tanda2 kontraksi whatsoever. Tgl 2 juga Lyon masih adem ayem. Nah saat2 ini gue udah mulai gelisah. Udah lewat due date nih. And orang2 udah pada nanyain,”udah lahiran belon”. Tgl 2 itu gue lagi bersih2 rumah, sambil dengerin lagu… tiba2 ada satu lagu yg kena banget di gue. Judulnya, ‘My Desire’ by William Mc Dowell. Liriknya hits my spirit.
We are waiting, Anticipating
We are creating, A place for you
My desire is to see A move of God
A move in me
My desire is to do all the things He’s showing me
Let us create Create a place
Release your faith
Releasing faith For God to move
So we will see The power of God
And we will know That he is God
We release the supernatural.
Uh PAS BANGET!! My spirit jumps when I heard that song! This is what I want, this is my heart desire! Is to see God move and we will see His Power, that He is GOD!! But for that, we need to create a space for Him to work His miracle, for us to see the supernatural!
So what is that space?
We need to wait for Him!
In many cases, kita terlalu cepet pingin ini itu terjadi, thus doing things yg belon tentu Tuhan suruh. Padahal if we wait, He is preparing something supernatural for us. And then when it happens, we can say waoooo thats God!!!! How many times that had happened in our family. Too many to count!! :)
So yeah gue smakin convicted kalo emang this is what God wants me to do. I mean the lyrics really strucks my spirit and connects. Because I really want to see His supernatural, the power of God with my own eyes!
So yah Lyon mau telat kuarnya ya silakan lah. Human bisa bilang telat, but God knows when.
Then ada bagian di lagu tadi, dimana yg nyanyi bagiin ayat, John 10:37
Jesus said: If I don’t do the works, dont believe everything I say.
Artinya, Jesus meant business!! He always demonstrates His power! If He say-say only, never do, we can stop believing in Him! (singlish amat sih) SO are we longing to see His power demonstrated in our life?!?!?!? Create a space then!!
So yah itu intinya yg gue dapat hahahha. So yah gue jadi sangat2 yakin (double triple conviction) that Lyon is in good Hands, and God will deliver him.
Trus besoknya tgl 4, hari minggu di gereja, gue ngerasa that I will get something from the sermon, that I have to listen. God will say something to me. When the sermon baru aja mulai, Ps Joseph kuarin statement, “Dunia bisa bilang terlambat, tapi Tuhan ga bilang terlambat. Waktu Tuhan ga sama dengan waktu manusia. It’s God perfect timing!” JEGERRRRR duilehhh pas banget kan!! Yah gue diconfirm lagi loh. My faith was being strengthened. That’s how God talks :)
Then the next day tgl 5, jam 8 pagi, gue mulai kerasa painful contraction. And it was regular. Aseeeek, I was so happy. I knew Lyon going to come out today. So gue jalan2 dirumah, ngobrol, and spent as much time at home because gue ga mau ke rumah sakit terlalu dini. Because nanti diapa2in ama hospital. I mean I didn’t want too much human intervention. Kita pertama kali mikir apa ke dokter dulu, but then I was thinking ga usah lah. Langsung aja ke hospital nanti. Daripada ke dokter dulu, nanti gue diapa2in lagi ama si dokter. Nunggu aja lah dirumah.
Gue juga track my contraction timing. Kalo udah every five mins ada contraction and it lasts for one minute, better go to hospital. Kalo belon segitu ya mending gue nunggu dirumah. While di rumah, gue pake birthball buat ease the pain, jalan2, goyang2, pokoknya keep moving etc. G and I praise and worship dulu, doa bahasa roh, baca firman. When painful contraction came, gue lakuin pernapasan yg buat ngelahirin itu. When contraction stopped, gue ikutan bahasa roh. So instead of rushing to hospital or dokter, mending kita rush ke Tuhan dulu kwkwkwkw. He will take care of everything :)
So finally contractions became very close. Time to go hospital. Perjalanan 30 menit juga. Lumayan.
Nyampe di hospital jam 12 siang. Pas admission, susternya nanya,”udah inform doctor?”, pas gue bilang belon, tampang susternya agak bingung gitu wkkwkwk. But then she called the doctor. Gue sih prepare aja ntar pasti dokternya dateng and ngomel liat gue wkkwkwkw.
Then gue ganti baju hospital, nah disini udah sangat2 painful the contraction. Sempet kepikir tuh, aduh ngapainnnn coba gue ngalamin ini lagi yaaaaa. Aduhhhhhh laen kali caesar aja dehhhhh wkwkwkkwkw.
Pas di cek, ternyata gue udah pembukaan 4. Praise God. Trus dokternya datang and beneran, pas liat gue langsung ngomong,”wah u were overdue for 4 days, why never call me? never come also for appointments”, ya gue sih cengengesan aja. Yah abis dikau dokter yg maksa sih, mana tahan saya :P
Trus dia cek2 gue then pegi. Then one hour later, dia balik lagi. Itu jam 2 siang. Dia cek gue lagi, and said, “this is not progressing. I will put you on IV drip”
Heh? IV drip itu juga another form of induce. Ya gue kagak mau and gue bilang ama dokternya. Trus dia kasih option, “I put you on IV drip or I will burst your waterbag”, wah ini lagi mau pecahin ketuban gue. Knapa sih kok ga nunggu aja. Emang kayaknya slow but it’s progressing, kontraksi gue smakin sakit. Biarin kek waterbag burst sendiri.
Trus gue bilang, ‘i want everything natural’ alias ga mau diburst.
Dokternya bingung gitu, bilang “thats an unusual request”… hahaha. Then she said, “Either I burst your waterbag or I put you in IV drip… must choose now.”
Alamak. Gitu amat sih.
Then she continued, “I burst the bag lah, I want to see if the water clear. If the baby poo inside, I have to c-sect you (caesar)”
Dueggggg, itu malah gue ga mau bangetttttt… di caesar. Not because gue takut di operasi, but because kalo bisa natural, knapa harus caesar? I believe in natural birth.
Trus gue diskusi ama G kan, abis nih dokter maksa banget and kayaknya mau cepet2. And she also commented, “must go by the book ok???!!”
Aiyoh tante… ga usah segitunya kali.
So karena dipaksa gitu and gue ga mau di induce, akhirnya gue peaceful juga dengan pilihan waterbag di burst. So yah dia burst my bag and it was clear!!
Nah terus dia bilang, “Ok, after this I give you two hours. If no progress, I will put you on IV drip”…
Lhooo kok balik lagi ke sonoooo! Buru2 amat sih. Ini dokter ngefans kali ya ama IV drip.
Gue bilang, “I dun want IV drip, I want to wait and let everything goes naturally…”
Tapi dia tetep bilang yg intinya, “No, I give you two hours. Then must put IV drip.”
Haiz… then gue and G looked at each other. And G said to her, ya udah two hours, we pray that kita ga perlu pake IV drip alias things would happen before two hours were up. So after that, doc said she would come back in two hours.
Trus kita liat jam tuh, and we see in two hours time, it meant jam 4.
Nah gue udah sakit banget saat ini. And drowsy because of the painkiller. But ya painkiller cuma bikin kita ga terlalu tegang, not really kill the pain. Gue kan sambil pasang kotbah, to build up my spirit. Gue udah ga sadar kotbahnya ngomong apa, yg masuk ke alam bawah sadar gue cuma suara TD Jakes yg bilang, “fight for your territory! The devil is trying to take your territory!” wkwkwk… and gue denger G cuma bahasa roh aja.
Sehabis waterbag di burst, contraction became more painful. Gue udah nggliyeng2 ga jelas, dalam ati bilang, aduh laen kali caesarean aja lah!! aduhhhhh ga mau deh punya anak lagi!! aduhhhh why did i put myself in this kind of pain agaiiinnnn!!! AHUHAuHAuA
Then after a few burst of painful contractions, tiba2 gue diingetin ama satu article yg gue baca abt spontaneous pushing. Inti articlenya, kita push the baby out naturally when our body is telling us to. Trus tiba2 ada suara, I believe it’s my spirit yg ngomong, jelas banget.
“Just push if you want to push.”
Yah gue bingung juga, gimana caranya tau gue ready to push or not. Then gue tungguin the next contraction, bisa ga kira2 gue ngepush. Pas kontraksi dateng, gue ngira2 bisa ga ya gue push. Trus the next contraction dateng lagi, ini kayaknya gue bisa push…
Then dengan conviction yg nekat, gue bilang ke G, “say, I want to push.”
I said yes.
Langsung G manggil suster2nya and told them that I feel I wanna push. Padahal gue mana tau, ready to push itu maksudnya gimana ahhahah. Then suster langsung cek gue udah pembukaan berapa. Eh ternyata udah pembukaan 10!! (Bagi yg ga ngerti, pembukaan 10 artinya, the best, maximum pembukaan buat push the baby out)
Wah praise God!! Then langsung beberapa suster siap2in semuanya dengan cekatan. Manggil dokternya etc. Dokternya dateng and ngecek Lyon. Ternyata Lyon udah keliatan kepalanya. Then the doctor taught me how to push correctly, she said some people push with their face, which is wrong (haha, no wonder waktu gue lahirin Aiden, gue push with all my might sambil mengkerutin muka sampe muka gue biru smua hahaha dan itu bikin lebih cape) Nah I relaxed my face, but gave a mighty push with my poo-poo muscle hahahaha. Persis banget kayak kalo mo ngepoop. And finally after four/five pushes, Lyon pun keluar dengan sukses!! kwkwkwkwk gampang bgttttt dibandingin ama Aiden kapan ari, ampir dua jam gue ngepush2 sampe kecapean.
Sehabis itu, suster dan dokternya kasih ucapan selamat ke kita, dokternya bilang, “you very good, very strong. No epidural and also baby came out before two hours up. That’s your prayer, right?” … lol… thank u Jesus. :)
So gue masuk hospital jam 1 siang.
Jam 2 siang gue diancem dokter, dikasih waktu sampe jam 4. Kalo ga kuar bakal diinduce.
And Lyon kuar jam 3.. yeayyyy!! God is GREAT!! wkkwkwk
Btw full name of our second boy adalah Ethan El Elyon. Panggilannya Lyon. Arti Ethan = strong, and El Elyon adalah salah satu nama Tuhan yg artinya The Lord is mighty.
Btw the funny thing is, gue udah siapin begitu banyak list kotbah dan lagu2 yg gue mau puter buat build my spirit, buat waktu ngelahirin. Ternyata ga perlu kwkwkwk. Dan gue juga siapin list of things to do pas sakit kontraksi nya, seperti jalan2 di kamar rumah sakit (which is ga bisa and ga boleh coz gue udah di strapped down on the bed), drink 4oz water every half an hour (ga sempet), dll. Kata G, “tuh kan, kita bisa siapin, but then Tuhan berkata laen. It’s His divine work that He wants to do.”
Nah to sum up my experience. I want to explain, this is my personal journey of faith. In no way, gue minta kalian melakukan yg sama. Every birth is different. This is my conviction yg gue dapet dari Tuhan. Mungkin sepertinya menentang dokter, but it’s not about that, it’s really about my personal journey of faith. Don’t follow my faith ya. Follow what God tells you to do. Because dulu banget, ada pembaca blog yg cerita sama gue, dia doain satu cowo dalam idupnya udah lama banget. Dan dia udah mau give up, then temennya bilang, “kalo ci nelly bisa, knapa loe ga bisa.” Wah ini gawat. You can’t follow my faith. The faith that God put in my heart. You have to get it yourself. My faith is strong in certain area because God already SPOKEN to me. Nah kalo Tuhan ga ngomong langsung ama kalian, bisa gawat. Your faith is actually a second hand faith. Ini yg bisa bikin our journey of faith kelimpungan, because Tuhan ga ngomong but we anyhow follow aja because someone else udah ngalaminnya kayak begitu. Dan orang itu dapetnya begitu. Nah gue kayak begitu aja deh. That’s second hand faith.
And another thing about giving birth. Read as much as you can. People’s experience etc. I found out, many women lack of info jadi mereka struggle in the proses of giving birth. Some doctors said impossible to do this and that, but actually it is possible, cuma dokternya ga berani or mau cepet2 aja. Gue join FB group namanya, “Birth Without Fear”, disitu banyak sekali kesaksian dimana sepertinya impossible, but yet God intervened and the mommies can deliver naturally. One kesaksian yg bener2 nguatin gue, ada satu mommy yg ngandung triplets. Yaitu tiga babies. Secara medis, dan dokter2nya semua pada suruh dia caesar. Nah dia ga mau, dia dapet conviction that she can deliver the three babies naturally. Wah perjuangannya luar biasa, sampe ada dokter yg bilang and ngancem bahwa babynya akan meninggal kalo she insisted. Dan orang2 disekitar juga started to judge her etc. But she held her ground because she already received that personal conviction. And akhirnya tiga babies nya lahir secara natural and smoothly. :)
Hal2 seperti ini yg bikin my spirit jumps and connects. If you don’t get it, better not try it.
Hal2 yg seperti ini yang bikin my conviction stronger. What doctors said impossible, God says it’s possible!
Btw, knapa Tuhan bawa gue lewatin this kind of journey of faith? It’s because He is preparing us for our ministry. Baru last week kita officially taking over healing ministry from our sesepuh digereja. We will deal with doctors, dan juga vonis2 dokter. Nah inilah knapa gue harus lewatin hal2 seperti ini, to exercise my faith muscle :)
So this is my personal conviction and journey of faith, having natural birth without epidural. There are people out there yg ngejudge kalo kita caesar, that means kita less of a woman. Halah, darimana itu. I don’t believe that. I’m not saying everyone must go for natural. If you want to go for caesar, ya silakan. Nothing wrong with that. Yg penting baby keluar dengan sehat dan selamat. But the most important thing is, read a lot and learn about proses of giving birth etc. Jadi kalo dokter vonis ini vonis itu, you know what to do because you are informed. Dokter bisa salah, but Tuhan will not. And another thing, don’t be scared. Fear is not from the Lord. It’s human to feel scared, we must go back to the word of God again and again. He will strengthen us with His Word and put us above our fears.
When we receive the Word from God, there is nothing that we should fear! Not death, not sickness, not condemnation. :)
Aiden ini anaknya agak sensitip. gentle heart sih mestinya. Cuma kadang2 sensitipnya agak over wwkkwkkw, but that will be his strength when his sensitivity is developed in the right way and subjected to the Word of God. :)
Scene: Udah saatnya bobo, lampu udah dimatiin, udah diranjang, eh Aiden maen aja terus, umek2 ga bisa diem diranjang sampe lama bgt. Trus gue marahin. Dia nangis lumayan kenceng. Then biasanya kalo abis gue marahin/disiplin, gue ajak dia doa. Dia ikutin gue doa…
Gue: What do u do when u are sad/angry?
Gue: Ok lets pray…. Lord Jesus…
Aiden: Lord Jesus…
Gue: Forgive me…
Aiden: Forgive me..
Gue: For not obeying mommy
Aiden: For not obeying mommy…
Gue: Help me..
Aiden: Help me…
Gue: To obey..
Aiden: To obey…
Gue: And calm down…
Aiden: And calm up…
Gue: No, calm down…
Aiden: calm uppppp….
Gue: No such thing as calm up, Aiden.. it’s calm down…
Aiden: Nooooo, calm up! *sambil tangannya nunjuk keatas*
Gue: It’s calm down…
Aiden: Calm upppppp!! *then mewek nangis*
HAUEhaUEHauEH ok thennnn calm uppppp…
Kalo abis di discipline, Aiden biasanya nangis kan, then biasanya dia akan meluk gue or G (whoever yg abis marahin dia), then say “sorry, mommy/daddy”… then biasanya kita bilang, “I forgive you”, but biasanya Aiden yg abis bilang sorry langsung nyambung sendiri, “I forgive you” sambil meluk kita.
Kadang2 juga, kalo gue lagi marah ama dia for example disuruh pake baju malah lari2. Dia udah liat tampang gue tampang bete gitu, dia sengaja meluk gue and said, “I love you mommy” sambil gave a quick kiss on my lips. Supaya gue ga spank dia kwkwkwk. Dasar. Pinter ambil ati ini anak.
Sampe sekarang Aiden masih bobo on the same bed ama kita. And I love it! Suka aja cuddle2 ama dia. Tiap malem sebelon bobo, kita pasti saling bilang,
Gue: Good night, Aiden
Aiden: Good night, Mommy…
Gue: I love you…
Aiden: I love you too…
Tapi kadang2 bisa begini:
Gue: Good night, Aiden
Aiden: Good night, Mommy…
Gue: I love you…
Aiden: No mommy, say I miss you…
Gue: ok, I miss you…
Aiden: I miss you too….
Trus dia suka minta dipeluk. Peluknya juga harus posisi specific. Gue harus peluk dia dari belakang and tangan gue harus ngelingkarin perut dia. Dia bilang, “because it’s nice”. Then malem2 kalo dia kebangun, dia bisa tiba2 bangunin gue and say, “mommy, can you hug me please..”
Talking about his sensitivity, kalo kita ketawain dia coz dia berbuat lucu or say something funny, dia bisa marah, “are you laughing at me????!?!?!” or tiba2 ngambek, mewek nangis.
One day dirumah, si Vivian (our housemate) mau pegi keluar and she said bye to me. Aiden tiba2 mewek and said, “Tante Vivian never say bye to Aiden…”… trus nangis deh. Anakku ini emang one of a kind.
Then dia juga udah mulai mirip bokapnya. Yaitu worship leader kwwwkkw. Tiap malem biasanya, kita doa mo bobo and praise n worship bentar. Biasanya Aiden yg mau lead worship.
Aiden: Mommy, you play piano. Daddy, you play drum. Aiden sing!
Aiden: Wait, wait…. Aiden sings first!!!
Aiden: OK now, everyone sing together!!
Kalo gue isengin dia, gue nyanyi duluan, mulut gue dibungkam ama tangan dia kwkwkwk.
Kalo Aiden lagi batuk, gue ajarin dia untuk nolak snack yg orang kasih ke dia. Biasanya dia bisa bilang sama orang itu, “no thank you, Aiden cough” Tapi sekarang dia udah lebih pinter….
Scene: Aiden lagi batuk2 mayan parah, and ada orang yg kasih dia biscuit ga sehat. Dia insist mau makan. Gue kagak kasih…
Gue: No Aiden, remember, Aiden cough?? Later, you can’t sleep at night…
Aiden: Never mind, mommy…
Gue: what never mind.. later you cry at night coz pain, can’t sleep…
Aiden: It’s ok mommy, Jesus saves me and heals me…. I can eat the biscuit…
Gue:… *dueggg mau ketawa tapi ga boleh ketawa* .. yeah that’s true, but still you can’t eat the biscuit!
Pinter amat ini anak, sapa yg ngajarin jawab begitu kwkwkwkwk
Satu lagi contoh…
Scene: Biasanya kalo Aiden misbehaves, kita disciplinenya pake spanking. Pake Mr. Spanky gitu. Wooden spoon yang digambarin muka sedih. So one night, Aiden misbehaved, and Daddynya bilang,
Daddy: Do you want to obey or you want Mr. Spanky?
Aiden: No Mr. Spanky…
Daddy: Daddy disciplines and spanks you because Daddy loves you.
Aiden: Jesus loves us, Jesus never spank us…
kwkwkwkwk ok deh… well at least benih2 Word of Godnya masuk lah kwkwkwkwk
I am a female. I was involved with porn and masturbation since I was 10 years old. I didn’t remember how it all started. I can only remember that I did all those secretly and kept doing it until I grew up.
When I reached 21 years old, I was in relationship with my first boyfriend. At first, he seemed nice and gentle. But as time went by, I could see his bad side, he was full of anger. Entering the first few weeks of our relationship, he kept asking me to give him my virginity as his birthday present. I refused, but he kept pushing, telling me… “if you really love me, you should give it to me”
So, because of his persistence, I gave it to him. From that day onwards, he liked to ask me for sex, if I didn’t give it to him, he would get angry. A few times he got angry with me because of small matters. Btw, he was a very possessive guy. I had to do things with him around, even talking with my friends on the phone. He had to know everything that I was doing. Well, we were living together at that time (We lived in Sydney, the story was I was in uni, and my boyfriend was working, but the truth is, I was already kicked out from uni, without my parents knowing) And when I served him for sex, actually my heart already felt nothing towards him, but because I was scared of him, I stayed.
Sometimes, when he was angry, he would get physical. He pushed me towards the wall, threatened me etc. He often hit my 9 months old puppy, and one day he hit her so hard that she died on my laps. He was jealous of my puppy because it seemed I loved her more than him.
One day, he slapped me hard until I fell face down, then he held me on my neck, like he was trying to straggle me, while screaming like a mad guy. At that very moment, I knew for sure that I couldn’t live with this guy anymore. So to cut the story short, I ran away from home, with the help of my close friends. But for the first few months, he still terrorized me, called me and threatened me. He even threatened my friends who were helping me. At the end he stopped all that because he had a new girl.
Since that moment, my life went downhill. I went clubbing a lot. And I met lots of new friends who lived ‘freely’, smoking, drugs and free sex. Almost every week I went out clubbing with them until dawn. Sometimes, I would get so drunk with them until I passed out and also tried illegal substance. A lot of guys approached me, until finally I was involved in free sex, had several sexual partners, one night stands etc. But during those times, I seriously thought of killing myself, because I didn’t see the point of living anymore. I didn’t feel anyone care for me. Guys just wanted me for sex, nothing more. I had a broken family, there was no difference for me having them or not. So I was getting ready to kill myself.
Until one day, I was introduced to another guy. We became very close and I liked him. He seemed really care about me. We chatted online a lot and somehow, I told him about my plan to commit suicide. He was shocked and tried to talk me out of it. So because of him, my plan was postponed. I felt he really cared for me. We became even closer and finally had sexual ‘friendship’.
But he told me that, he couldn’t start a proper relationship with me as he just broke up with his ex. He was still traumatized to start a new one. I was okay with that, so we were just sexual partners.
I thought I was ok with that kind of relationship, but I realized my heart was hurting. When we hang out with his friends, he never held my hands or showed that he cared for me. But when we were alone, just the two of us, he always treated me special. So his friends only knew that I was his sex partner. That hurt because I already had deep feeling for him, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to end this.
Since those days, I started to cut myself with knife, not to kill myself but to release the pain I had in my heart. To me, the pain inside was more painful than the pain caused by the knife. There was one day, I cut my both hands badly, then I walked down to his house, (he lived just two blocks away), and showed my bleeding hands to him. He was really scared and I think that was the time that he realized he was in a bad situation, being involved with me. I did read secretly his chat history with his bestfriend. He said he regretted being with me, he had no idea that he would be in this kind of mess.
When I read that, my heart broke into pieces.
The one I thought really cared for me, actually didn’t care at all.
So finally, I went to see a doctor, asking for medication to stop my depression. I thought it was hormonal imbalance, but the medication didn’t help. There was one day, I snapped and cut my hands again. And because I couldn’t stop it, I called my dad (who lived in Indonesia) while I was crying. All the 5 years I lived in Sydney, I never called my dad. He was shocked to hear my sobbing voice over the phone. He kept asking me why, but I couldn’t answer him, I could only ask him to come to Sydney as soon as possible. And before we hang up the phone, my dad said, “please don’t do anything silly, wait for me.”
I told about what just happened to my ‘boyfriend’. And he was glad that I finally talked with my dad. But as time went by, I felt we were growing apart. Until one day, I was sick of everything. I locked myself in my room, I got real drunk and cut my hands again with knife. A blunt knife this time, so I could cut myself over and over again until the skin broke and drew blood. I called him over online chat, he answered and I told him that I was drunk and almost jumped from the balcony. Before chatting with him, I went to my room’s balcony. I was drunk and I was looking down over the balcony. Looking at the ground far below me, I heard a voice,’ If I jump now, everything will be over, everything will be ok. I will be free.” So I lifted one of my legs over the railing, other leg already off the ground. But just a spilt second before I jumped, I was suddenly reminded of my promise to my dad. When he said, “don’t do anything silly.” Because of that sudden thought, I stopped and went back to my room. Now that I know God, I’m very sure that that was God’s intervention! How can that thought suddenly cross my mind in the very split second I was going to jump!
So I went inside my room and chatted with my ‘boyfriend’ in the state of my drunkenness. After I told him that I almost jumped from the balcony, he went offline all of a sudden. I became more upset, heartbroken and cried like mad until I fell asleep. Not long after, I heard my friend knocked on my bedroom door. That taken me totally by surprise because no one at home and I locked my house. Somehow that friend of mine got hold of my house key from other friend. So this friend went inside my room and asked me what happened. She actually heard me crying from the front door which was surprising because the distance from the front door to my room was quite far. How come she could hear my crying? How come it was such a coincidence she wanted to visit me at home? And because she heard my crying, she took a lot of effort to call me, but because I didn’t answer her calls, she tried to get my house key from another friend.
So to cut the story short, my friends knew what happened to me and they hide my knives away. I believe God used them, even though I didn’t know God at that time. And my ‘boyfriend’ also came to my house on that day. The very second when I told him over chatting that I almost jumped, he ran to my house.
One of my friends, let’s call her D. She was the only Christian friend that I allowed to be close to me. It was because I hated Christians last time, to me, they were hypocrites. Only D was close to me because she accepted me for whoever I was, never judged me, never tried to evangelize to me, but she just accepted me without trying to change me.
On that night, I only remembered part of her words,
“I have God, I have my boyfriend, but my life is not perfect. I have my own struggle with life…”
That really surprised me, because I always saw her as a strong person. Little that I knew, she also had struggles. So, since that night, I ‘woke up’. I told myself, “if she can do it, why can’t I?”
So for the next few months, I started to put my life back together. The relationship with my ‘boyfriend’ got further apart. And I got back to uni. But I still continued with my clubbing lifestyle. Still had fun with my ‘wild’ friends. I still felt empty in my heart, though. There was one night at my place, my friends and I were smoking marijuana. I didn’t know that marijuana was totally pure, with no mixture of tobacco at all. I smoked whole lot of it and my body couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t walk back to my bedroom, I had to crawl slowly. When I finally reached my bed, my body still couldn’t stop shaking. I was scared, I thought I was going to die at that very second. And I didn’t want to die. Funny, isn’t it? For the past few years, I had already planned my suicide, yet when I was really faced with death, I got scared and didn’t want to die.
I really couldn’t stop shaking. And this was the very first time I cried out inside and called God. I shouted in my heart, “God!! Help!!!”, And I passed out. When I woke up, I was happy of being alive! Hahaha. But then I forgot all about God.
But I believe that time He heard my cry and He knew that I was almost ready to open up my heart for Him. So He pursued me more and more. :)
So I moved on. Uni life, part time work, clubbing for another two years. I didn’t let any guy get close to me because I was sick of those uncertainties and mixed signals. I faced life with my own strength until one day I actually felt tired in my heart.
D, the friend that I mentioned earlier, often invited me to attend the cell group at her place or come for her church events. But only to those fun events, like Valentine cruise or Costume Party. I came because they had a dance party in it. While for cell group, I only came during the eating session, after that I just went home haha. But because I came quite often to their fun events, I came to know her church friends, and they were actually a fun bunch of people! Never judged me nor tried to change me.
One day, I hang out at one of the church leader’s house. Out of curiosity, since I love to read, I went through their book collections on the bookshelf. But to my dismay, all of the books were Christian books! But one book caught my eye, the title was ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’. Something just clicked in me, it reminded me to my situation at that time. So I borrowed that book.
In that book, there was one chapter where the author, Joshua Harris, received a vision. He went inside a room full of filing cabinets. He opened one of them, he took out the files inside. And he was so shocked because those files actually contained all the sins that he had done in his whole life! Joshua was a Christian, involved in ministry, but he had a double life. He was secretly involved in porn etc. When he read his files, he was so ashamed. Each page in those files had his name signed on it.
So he said to himself, please no one should see this, so he tried to burn it, but to no avail. All of a sudden, there was a man entering that room. That man was Jesus. He took one of the files and read it. Joshua tried to snatch it and prevented him from reading, but Jesus kept on reading without saying a word. Then you know what He did? He crossed all Joshua’s name from the papers and signed every paper with His own name! Using His blood!
When I read that part, I couldn’t stop my tears from falling down. I cried big time! Who was this person who wanted to take all my sins as His own? He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him! And why would He want to take my sins as His!! I just bawled my eyes out. Because of a man called Jesus. I never knew a man who would do all that for me! At that moment I felt, I finally found someone that understand me, understand my heart.
It was just indescribable!
Since that day, I was interested in a man named Jesus.
Who is He?
What is He like?
Why He did that for me?
So I finally accepted D’s invitation to her church to find out more about Him. I diligently attended her church service every week and read many Christian books. And the more I found out about Jesus, the more amazed with Him I became. Until finally I fell in love with Him. :)
He was everything that I was looking for in a man. I felt loved, treasured, pursued, and cherished. No man had done that for me.
Slowly He healed me from bitterness with guys, porn, masturbation. I stopped going clubbing, smoking, drinking etc. I was not interested nor excited with those things anymore. When I tasted the goodness of Him, other tastes pale in comparison. When I felt how He loves me, how He cares for me, how precious I am in His eyes, worldly satisfaction can’t compare to that and also no longer interesting to me. I was being satisfied in Him alone. In His presence, I didn’t feel empty or lonely anymore.
And He makes me feel so SPECIAL!! :)
God restored me fully until I no longer had any issue with my past. I had the strong conviction that He had cleansed all my sins away. I have been made white as snow. It took years for me to come to that point but I must not give up. There were times I was stuck in self-pity, but God reminded me again and again that I am a new creation in Him. He even put the desire in my heart to testify, to let the world knows, that God’s restoration is so real. Until I came to the point that YES, I’M A NEW CREATION! Let no doubt or whatsoever entered my mind again!
And all along I had been asking, “what’s the purpose of me living in this world? Why was I created?” God slowly revealed and guided me to my calling. Now I know what it is. And when I focused and chased that calling, out of the blue, God brought me to my future husband, a godly man who was beyond my imagination :) God was very much involved and orchestrated all the process of getting to know him, praying, the struggle, the breakthrough, for three years until finally we got married in 2010.
Frankly, at that moment I didn’t give a thought about relationship. I was so content with just me and God. I really enjoyed my singleness, I was concentrating in finding more about Him. Ministry etc. (I have moved to Singapore around this time). Out of the blue, my mentor told me…
“Whoa God is beautifying you inside out!! I’m sure your prince will come soon, and he will be more than you have ever imagined!”
I just smiled when I heard that. Nothing more, because I didn’t think much about relationship. But it did come true! About a month after, my future husband really came to our church, he was a full timer (full time ministry). Yes, indeed he was more than I could ever imagine. I fell in love for the first time with his heart for God.
He only spent like two months or so in Singapore. Then he went to Malaysia for two years for mission work. And when I chased my calling in mission field, we met again. And after all the process of tears etc for 3 years praying for each other, we got married in 2010 and now we have two sons. :)
I know there are a lot of you who had ugly past like me. Girls who were involved with free sex, or even not virgin anymore because of other reasons. Don’t lose heart. God is a God who is full of grace and restoration. I am one of the evidence of His full restoration. When I repented from my sins, God forgave me. He also put this desire in my heart, my life testimony is to open up so many secrets out there. Secrets that the devil trying to hide. The devil says, you can’t and will not be able to have a godly marriage later, a godly husband. He can only lies, ladies! The truth is God’s mercy and grace are enough for ALL of our sins! Yes, we must pay for the price of our sin, it hurt to go through the process of His cleansing.
You know the story of a pearl? When a pearl was produced, its initial state was very dirty. It must be polished and cleansed until its shine comes out.
It’s the same with us. We were dirty, God accepted us just as we were. But He wouldn’t let us stay that way. He will polish; He will cleanse every dirt inside of us. Yes, it hurts, but it is absolutely necessary. Because He has seen our true worth, He knows our true value. But because that had been covered with so much filth, we are not able to see that. Only He can. So we have to let Him work hard in us, polishing us. Yes, sometimes we do complain during His cleansing process, but believe me, His cleansing process in me was tremendously painful because He knows I had a lot of filth inside, but at the end, it is all worth it!
How did I reach this point? Free from my past, restored, got married with a godly man, have godly family with two sons now?
The key is to really fall in love with Jesus. To feel how much He loves me, until I feel so content and satisfied in Him alone. I don’t have to look for love or approval from other people, especially man. Because no other man is more ‘manly’ than my Jesus who loves me so muchhhhh. Rescued me again and again, my Knight in shining armor. Pursued me until my knees grew weak. :)
By being filled with the Holy Spirit everyday, making me sick of sin. Holy Spirit gives me the ability and power to let go of the bondage of porn and masturbation.
Other than that, I also made the decision not to fall into self-pity. Never entertain! Once self-pity arrives, we must kick them out as soon as possible. Encounter with the Word of God. When self-pity says, “you are dirty, not virgin anymore, do you think any guy would want you?” Just kick the devil hard in the face with the Word of God that says,”God has cleansed me as white as snow, no blemish. God has a wonderful plan for me and my future. I will pursue my God, my lover until I know He is enough for me. Doesn’t matter if there is a guy in my life or not. I will be satisfied in Him alone.”
That’s the state we have to aim. Let me ask you a question. What if God wants you to be single forever, just being with Him alone? Will that hurt? Until you say YES LORD, it doesn’t matter anymore if there is a guy for me or not! And you said that not because of bitterness, but because you are truly satisfied with His love. What I meant is your heart will have to be truly fulfilled by Him, otherwise if one day you are involved with another guy, you can fall into the same old sin again. Because you will compromise. But when your love to God is stronger, you can stand firm, and don’t have the heart to commit the sin because you don’t want to hurt His feeling.
Say enough is ENOUGH! No more compromise, no more ‘just one more time’.
Do whatever it takes to take you away from that sin. If you and your bf/gf fall into sexual sin, don’t go to the secluded places. Don’t go inside his/her room. Recognize the pattern.
Mix with a strong Christian community. Be involved in ministry. That will build you and strengthen you to move forward. But you can’t always depend on people. Don’t make it a habit to look for people straight away for comfort. After you receive advices from people, you feel better of course, but that doesn’t last long. Go to God first instead. Let Him deal with you alone. At that time, God brought me to a very lonely place. I didn’t have anyone close as I just moved to Singapore. But at that moment, God dealt with me alone. I couldn’t find anyone for comfort, for sharing my pain, He was the only one there for me. That’s when I was fulfilled by Him, until I reached a point where I know He is enough for me.
Other than that, a mentor also important. Someone to guide you and correct you. Must be same gender.
Forgive ourselves, our past, our exes, or anyone that had hurt us. When we forgive, there is power of restoration from God through us. Confess our sins to trustworthy spiritual leaders. Healing starts when we confess.
Keep holding on to the Word of God. What He says about you.
Must understand that love is not sex. Some women make a mistake where we think love equals to sex. When we make love to our boyfriend, we feel loved, wanted, special. When I had that sexual relationship with my ‘boyfriend’, I thought I was expressing my love to him by giving him my body. And I thought, because we had a sexual relationship, I thought he loved me that’s why he wanted to sleep with me. The painful truth is when someone has sex with you, doesn’t mean he loves u.
Focus on finding out your calling. That’s where you will find out His great plan for you. So you will focus building yourself up, other than keep dwelling in the sinful past.
After all those, I’m finally free. Now, I really can’t imagine that I used to have that kind of past! Totally different life now. Serving the Lord together with my husband, one toddler and the upcoming baby boy :)
It is indeed beyond my imagination and thought! When I got married to my handsome husband, God gave us His word and His promise:
No eyes has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what God had prepared for those who love Him.
1 Corinthians 2:9
And the past is the past. God is able to change filth into beauty. Redeem the curse to be a blessing. The devil meant to destroy and kill, but God, with His power of restoration (without condition. It’s already yours), changed my shame to my victory. I no longer have any issue sharing all these because that’s what He wants from me, my past has no more effect on me. Sexual sins are covered up because they cause shame. But God wants to reveal them, because the more we conceal our sexual sins, the more hold the devil has over us. I don’t ask you to tell you secrets everywhere, but once you are free from all the bondages, maybe you can testify too, in your own way. Because the devil is defeated by our testimonies.
If I can be free from the sexual sins, you can do it too. I’m just ONE evidence of millions of millions of people who has been set free from the sexual bondages.
For the readers who read this, this blog post originally was in Indonesian, written in 2012. To my surprise, it went viral. Some requested to have some of my important blog posts to be translated to English to reach bigger audience, to bless their non-Indo speaking friends. So here is the first one to be translated. I do hope it will bless you guys.
Hopefully, not in distant future, I will write more details about ‘How to stop porn, masturbation and other sexual sin from our life’.
You see, God is so faithful to us. If we just obey Him, He will bring us far. My testimonies bring me and my family to places. We were invited to speak in different churches, travelled overseas etc. You see, it’s all because of His work in us. It is such a joy walking in our calling. To see many bondages are broken, to see many of God’s children are set free and receive the truth! God can do the same to you. You have a wonderful future in Him. Don’t let the devil tell you otherwise. Sometimes we tune in more to the devil’s voice than His voice. Shut it down and keep your eyes fixed upon Jesus. Hope in God will never be in vain. :)
So, blog kali ini ceritain ttg Majalah Pearl Retreat kmaren. Karena banyak yg nanyain, “how is it”… jawaban gue selalu, “ntar deh gue blog” abis males ngulang2 terus hehehehe.
So, retreat ini awesome coz isinya cewe semua wkkwkwkwk. And amazingnya, kebanyakan dari kita ga kenal satu sama lain, and dateng dari beberapa pelosok Indo dan diluar Indo. Some cuma kenal di dunia maya. Pesertanya kebanyakan para bloggers and blog readers.
Jadi asal mulanya, Pearl Magazine ini berdiri beberapa tahun lalu (3 years?) gara2 beberapa bloggers punya hati untuk Christian Indonesian women online magazine. Teamnya semua volunteer, writersnya, designersnya, editornya. Gue bukan team Pearl tapi ada beberapa kali mereka minta gue nulis articles for their magazine. We all know each other because of blogging :)
Nah one day, salah satu pencetus Pearl yaitu, Sarah Eliana, bilang one of her dreams is to hold a retreat for Pearl Magazine, eh ga disangka2 banyak yg antusias. So terjadilah retret kmaren.
Yg amazingnya, ada beberapa peserta yg bela2in terbang dari Singapore, Surabaya dan juga Kalimantan Barat hanya untuk menghadiri retret ini. Yg tinggal di KalBar itu wah udah tinggalnya di in the middle of jungle, karena dia kerja di perkebunan kelapa sawit. Jadi yah terpencil gitu deh tempetnya. Tapi dia bela2in jauh2 menempuh perjalanan hanya untuk dateng retret. Dan ada juga banyak yg dateng sendiri aja tanpa kenal sapa2. But they are so blessed by the magazine and also the bloggers, so mereka memberanikan diri untuk nekat aja dateng sendirian kwkwkwk. Ada yg nitipin anak2nya ke ortu untuk beberapa hari etc wkwkwkk.
Ada salah satu cewe yg kesaksian pas retret itu. Dia bilang dia itu sering jatuh bangun dalam perjalanan ama Tuhan, and pas dia ketemu our blogs, dia itu kayak amazed, “ternyata ada yah wanita2 Allah yg dipake luar biasa..” wkkwkwkwk. I dunno, I just found that statement menggelitik hehe. Sampe segitukah pesimisnya atas wanita2 Allah jaman sekarang dimata anak2 muda? I just wanna say, YES MASIH BANYAAAKKKKK, dan kamu adalah salah satunya :)
Di hari pertama, gue sharing the word of God di sesi pertama dan kedua. Sesi pertama, gue membahas ttg The Power Of God. Intinya, Tuhan Yesus adalah Tuhan yang menjadi manusia. When He became human, he was powerless, but when He was baptised in water and in Holy Spirit, BOOM, Dia langsung bisa melakukan banyak mukjijat. Dan banyak orang yang jadi tertarik ikut sama Dia. So the point is, without Holy Spirit, kita itu kristen yg powerless. Kayak mobil yang ga ada bensinnya. So this session, kita doain para peserta buat baptisan Roh Kudus, supaya mereka punya POWER untuk continue the work of the Lord. Ga jatuh bangun terus.
Dan Tuhan Yesus itu Tuhan dan laki2 yang sopan. Dia ga pernah memaksa kita untuk menerima KasihNya. Tapi Dia selalu mengetuk dan menawarkan kasihNya. Di penutupan sesi ini, para peserta dibagi beberapa kelompok. 3-4 cewe pergroup bergandengan tangan dan saling mendoakan. (nah gue agak lupa, session 1 & 2 penutupannya yg mana duluan, pokoknya penutupan sesi ada doa baptisan roh kudus, dan ada yg dapet bahasa roh. Ada juga mendapatkan pelepasan dari masa lalunya. G juga doain mereka satu persatu dan give them specific word of the Lord) Yah karena ini retret cewe semua, banyak yg bercucuran air mata dan mengalami pelepasan. Praise God! wkwkkwkwk
Session kedua, gue itu sebenernya dikasih topik sama team, “apa penghalang kita deket sama Tuhan”, what are the hindrance gitu. Jawabannya biasanya adalah, ya karena comfort zone, males, sibuk etc. But to sum it all, sebenernya itu smua point to ‘karena roh kita yg lemah’. Karena roh kita lemah, kita gampang distracted. So gue share ttg how to build your spirit, gimana bedain suara Tuhan, suara kita dan suara iblis. I also share about how the devil work in our lives, so kita ga tertipu lagi ama muslihatnya.
Terus session malemnya, si G lead praise n worship sebentar then ada session tanya jawab. Peserta bisa tanya apa aja sama gue and G. Ada yg nanya ttg gimana cari spiritual leader, ttg panggilan dan yg paling seru adalah pertanyaan2 pasangan idup of coz. Kita juga ditanya2in ttg our love story since some of them know about my blog. Ada salah satu peserta yang nanya ttg pasangan idup, “Buat cewe2 yg sedang mencari pasangan idup, bagaimana kita bisa tahu yg mana domba2 jantan yg ada digereja yang patut didoakan? I mean kriteria apa yg kita bisa liat dari hidupnya?” Throughout sesi tanya jawab, kita semua ketawa terus kalo ada term ‘domba jantan’ wkkwkwkwk I love that term!
Then the next day, session trakhir, sessionnya G bagi firman. Yah dia mah preaching gitu deh. Trus abis makan siang, kita pulang. Maap untuk mereka yg minta sessionnya direkam karena tiba2 mereka batal ga bisa ikut. Ga bisa direkam tuh soalnya pas coba rekam, ternyata hasilnya jelek banget. Karena ruangannya bergema so ga kedengeran. Maybe one day, I will blog abt topik2 yg gue bagiin dengan lebih dalem.
Sooo, at the end what happened is: semua peserta di encouraged to keep in touch with their group after the retreat, through Watsapp group apa FB. Karena within that group, mereka ada session dimana mereka saling sharing, ada yg sampe nangis dan juga saling mendoakan. These groups are supposed to strengthen each other. So my final message to them, is for them to be an accountability sister to each other within the group. Karena some of them ga punya that kind of support in their community so they definitely need that.
Gue juga terbeban untuk mentor beberapa cewe dari retreat ini. Dan my calling smakin ke-confirm. Tenkiu for Pearl Magazine once again for being faithful doing the work of the Lord. Padahal simple banget ya, dari cuma suka2 nulis di blog jadi bisa bikin online magazine and bisa bikin retret. Banyak peserta yg minta ini dijadiin event tiap tahun. G and gue yakin banget that this can be women movement in Indo. Kita terus doain buat Pearl Magazine yang udah menjadi berkat buat banyak cewe2 Indo di Indo dan juga di luar negri. Kalo dipikir2 luar biasa, karena pelopornya kan ibu2 muda, yang kerjanya kebanyakan ngurusin anak dirumah, but still they can impact the world from their homes :) God bless u, Lia, Grace and also Sarah Eliana and also the team members yg masih single2 hehe. We have seen the fruits of your labour. :)
Tenkiu banget juga panitia retreat from Pearl. Buat Felisia Devi, yg bolak balik anterin/jemputin/nemenin shopping di Mangdu/beliin makanan kita/nemenin Aiden. And juga Viryani, Dhieta and Stepgun yang suapin dan nemenin Aiden gunting2 kertas selama kita isi session. Dan juga Eunike, for being cute…wkwkwkwk…
Seru ketemu para blog readers yang laen. Yg selama ini cuma tau dari komen2 mereka and juga lewat FB. Some gue kagak bisa ngenalin karena potonya and orang aslinya tampangnya bedaaaaa heuaHEuHAEea. Sorry kalo gue ga gitu mengenali kalian smua ya hehe.
I’m also very much blessed oleh cerita salah satu peserta yg namanya Yudith. Ternyata dia full timer, melayani di satu HOME yg nampung 450 anak2 jalanan di JKT. Waktu gue balik ke Spore, gue liat videonya, wow it is such an amazing ministry! Bener2 ga gampang man, pelayanan seperti itu, tinggal sama mereka dll. Yudith cerita, dia dipanggil Bunda kan sama anak2 ini. Sometimes, anak2 jalanan ini dateng ke HOME subuh2 dan curhat. Dan mereka ga bisa donk refuse these kids who come to them, meskipun subuh2. Kadang2 udah cape banget but yah God enables them to minister to the kids.
Gue cantumin disini yah videonya.
I hope, we can bring our mission team kesana one day :)
Cuma mo bilang kita sekeluarga bakal ke JKT tgl 8-12 Agustus, which is this Friday. Dalam rangka Pearl Magazine Retreat. As you guys know beberapa kali gue nulis articles for this women magazine. And for their first retreat, I’m honoured to be invited as their speaker along with G. The reason I’m writing this because, ada beberapa peserta yang tiba2 ga bisa ikut last minute, jadi semestinya sudah full, sekarang ada beberapa spot kosong kalo masih ada yg mau ikut this retreat.
The theme of the retreat will be for woman, of coz. How we get closer to Him, how to let go the distraction dan penghalang2 kita dekat sama Tuhan. Kalo ga bisa dateng full 3 days, mungkin bisa dateng weekendnya, tgl 9 or 10. Btw tgl 8 itu kita ga ada acara, nyampe di Depok (tempatnya di Sawangan Golf Resort) itupun udah malem. Session akan dimulai tgl 9, ada beberapa sessions and di tgl 10, satu session penutupan. Oh ya biayanya: Rp. 500,000 (sudah termasuk transportasi, akomodasi, 3 X meals dan 2 X snacks per hari, dan buku acara)
Anyways this retreat only for 50 peserta, jadi lebih cozy lah ya. Bisa saling mengenal satu sama lain, lebih deket, lebih ada rasa kekeluargaan wkkwkw. Apalagi cewe2 semua, jadi asek deh. Yang cowo cuma G and Aiden hehe.
So yah, please let us know kalo ada yg tertarik untuk ikut. Sayang kalo masih ada spot kosong yg ga terisi. Yang dateng kebanyakan para bloggers, and juga readers. And some of them ada yg ga kenal sama sekali, dateng sendirian gitu wkwkkw. So if you want to come, you are not alone. :)
Oh then, kalo ga bisa bisa ikut retretnya, kalo mau hang out with us, I mean, gue, G and Aiden, bisa aja sih. Kita tinggalnya ntar di Ancol. So just drop us a visit if bisa ketemuan. :)
Kalo mo ikut retretnya, mesti daftar as soon as possible ya karena udah mepet nih. Hari jumat ini loh.
Ok, c u soon!
Hi all my blog readers and friends, ini ttg major changes in my blog.
From now on, gue akan ada blog posts yg hanya bisa diakses pake password. Mostly the ones ttg Aiden yg ada poto or video2nya. I will explain the reason below. So the people who will have access to my password-protected blog posts are those yg gue bener2 kenal. Please ask me for the password if you want to read.
At first, gue damai sejahtera aja taruh2 poto Aiden dll di blog gue. Then sejak post gue yang berjudul, “Saya sudah ga perawan di usia skolah” membludak, I saw a big jump in search term in particular topic. Maksudnya, di dashboard blog gue kan gue bisa liat search term apa aja yang digoogle ama orang2 yg bikin my blog comes up di search result mereka. And for the past few months sejak my blog post yg ttg perawan itu di publish, a worrying trend mulai keliatan. Most, I really mean, MOST, search term yg let people came to my blog is ‘cerita seks perawan’, ‘cerita perawan’, dan sebangsanya. Below is a screenshot of what I mean.
Ini screenshot gue ambil dari dashboard blog stats gue. Statistic sejak setaun terakhir. Please look at those search terms yg gue highlight.
So yah, there you go. Seems like my blog now attracting dunno what kind of people… It is a worrying thought that these kind of ‘sick’ people came to my blog and gue ga damai sejahtera ada poto2 Aiden tertampang diblog gue.
Ini membuktikan smakin bobroknya dunia ini. Orang dewasa melihat anak2 sebagai obyek seks. Sangat menyedihkan. Mungkin gue menyinggung beberapa orang karena gue bilang ‘sick people’, tapi bukankah itu benar? You guys are sick. You need treatment. Buat mereka yg baca ini, yg come to my blog because of kalian search ‘seks dengan anak kecil’ dan sebangsanya. Come on, what happened? You want to have sex with children? Dan mungkin beberapa dari kalian berpikir untuk memperkosa? Gue kagak tau mau komen apa lagi selain, kalian butuh Yesus. Kalian butuh Tuhan. Dia yang akan menjawab pertanyaan2 mu, ketakutanmu, kebingunganmu. Dia akan membantumu. Gue tau jauh didalam hati nurani kalian (gue tau pasti masih ada), kalian tau bahwa yang kalian lakukan ini ga bener, tapi kalian ga punya kekuatan untuk mengatasinya, you dont have any control over it. Gue cuma bisa kasih satu jawaban. Cari Tuhan, cari Yesus. Kalian akan menemukan jawabannya disana. Seperti bagaimana Dia menjawab keterikatan gue dalam pornografi dan masturbasi waktu dulu banget. Seperti bagaimana Dia melepaskan gue dari segala keterikatan itu. Sekarang hidup gue udah jauh berubah. Ada damai sejahtera, ga ada yg perlu ditutup2in takut ketahuan orang. There is freedom in the Lord. Dan ini juga buat kalian semua.
Jesus loves you and He wants to set you free. Come to Him and you will not thirst anymore.
(PS: I’m guessing akan ada komen2 anonymous yg masuk, either bashing me or asking for help. We’ll see. I will not approve komen2 yg ga jelas anyway..)
(Article ini dimuat di Majalah Pearl edisi April-Mei)
The verse for this article is: “Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits– who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion” (from Psalm 103 : 2-4)!
Bagi mereka yang sudah sering baca majalah Pearl dan baca blog gue, pasti sudah tau cerita kehidupan gue. Buat mereka yang belon tau, gue kasih ringkasannya aja dulu ya. So, gue dulu sebelon bertobat, pernah di abuse sexually sama pacar pertama. Gue harus melayani dia dalam sex, if I refused, he would threaten to hit me. To cut the story short, akhirnya gue bisa lepas dari dia dengan susah payah. Tapi setelah itu, kehidupan gue jadi hancur, gue terlibat hubungan sex dengan cowo2 laen, ngobat, clubbing, berusaha bunuh diri dll. Semuanya karena gue ngerasa ga ada gunanya idup lagi didunia ini, jadi gue merusak diri sendiri karena ga merasa diri gue berharga dan gue udah ga peduli dengan semuanya.
Setelah gue bertobat, gue mulai bersaksi ttg masa lalu gue. Sewaktu gue masih single pun, gue udah bersaksi di depan banyak orang bagaimana gue kehilangan keperawanan dan bagaimana Yesus menyembuhkan hidup gue. Ga mudah karena gue masih single tapi gue terbuka bahwa gue udah ga perawan.
Ada suatu saat dimana gue lagi bersaksi didepan anak2 sekolah, yg jumlahnya bisa sekitar 800 murid di satu aula. Dan salah satu murid berkomentar, bahwa dia ga mau punya cewe yg tidak perawan karena yg artinya itu cewe bekas. Sakit banget sebenernya hati gue saat itu. But you know what kept me going? Ga gitu lama setelah kejadian itu, ada satu cewe SMP yg menghampiri gue and mengaku bahwa dia udah ga perawan gara2 waktu SD di perkosa. Dan ga ada yang tahu itu. Dan dia memberanikan diri menghampiri gue sambil bercucuran air mata. Gue percaya saat itu adalah langkah pertama dia mengalami pemulihan. I took comfort in knowing that kesaksian gue juga membongkar kebusukan2 iblis. Gue bener2 benci sama iblis yang memakai seks buat merampas masa depan orang, terutama cewe2. Saat itu gue ngerasa, kalo memang hati gue harus hancur, dibilang sebagai cewe bekas tapi gue bisa nyelamatin satu cewe aja, itu cukup buat gue. That was comforting enough for me. That kept me going.
Gue inget waktu pertama kali gue bertobat di tahun 2002, ada seorang pastor yg punya karunia nabi yang doain gue, dia bilang gini, “Tuhan mau menggunakan masa lalumu untuk kemuliaan-Nya.” Padahal si pastor ga kenal gue. Waktu itu gue ga gitu ngerti, tapi sekarang gue benar2 mengerti. Nubuatan itu menjadi salah satu yg memicu gue untuk tetap maju terus bersaksi meskipun ada orang2 yg anggap gue cewe bekas dipake. Then di tahun 2008, setelah gue kesaksian di sekolah2, ada seorang pastor lagi yg bernubuat, “You and your partner will be spiritual parents for the broken. You both will reach multitude of people.” Nah gue dulu sempet lumayan GR, gue pikir wah multitude nih. Apa gue bakal kayak joyce meyer gitu ya. Yg berceramah di depan ribuan orang hahaha. Tapi ternyata Tuhan punya rencana lain. Gue baru ngerti ‘multittude’ yang dimaksud Tuhan. Yaitu lewat blog.
Setelah gue menikah, gue baru mendapat conviction to write my past in my blog. Saat itu blog gue udah lumayan banyak pengikut karena gue tulis cerita pertemuan gue dan suami, gimana Tuhan membimbing gue etc, tapi gue ga pernah blak2an tulis tentang masa lalu. Setelah gue tulis (yg berjudul how I met Him and Darah Perawan), ga sedikit orang2 yang gue ga kenal message buat curhat. Ga hanya cewe, cowo pun juga. Dengan bermacam2 versi masa lalu dan juga pergumulan mereka.
Ga sedikit cewe2 yang kontak gue and cerita kalo mereka sudah terjebak dalam seks bebas, termasuk di dalam kalangan gereja mereka sendiri. Gue asli gregetan, bukan gregetan sama cewe2 ini. Tapi sama iblis. I hate him with passion. Berani2nya dia utak-atik anak2 Tuhan, berani2nya dia menodai gereja Tuhan. But well, it is because our nature of sin that makes us fall into temptation. Dan iblis tau banget soal itu, dan dia gunain itu sebagai senjatanya. Itulah knapa gue buka terang2an masa lalu gue, his lies, his wicked plan and also His restoration. Misi gue adalah untuk membongkar kebohongan-kebohongan iblis buat mereka yang sudah jatuh dalam dosa seks dan memberitakan KEBENARAN!
The truth is:
We are free, we are redeemed, we are dead from our sins and rise again as Christ has risen. No power can stand against Him. The devil can only lie. Be angry at the devil!
Selain itu, sekitar 5-6 taon yang lalu gue juga pernah mimpi yang jelas banget. Dan gue percaya mimpi ini dari Tuhan, karena benar2 berbicara sama gue.
Di mimpi itu, gue berada di luar suatu ruangan yg besar, dan ada jendelanya jadi gue bisa liat apa yang terjadi didalam. Gue liat banyak sekali cewe2 didalam ruangan itu. Dan di langit2 ruangan itu ada banyak pipa2. Dan yg keluar deras dari pipa2 itu adalah acid. Dan cewe2 yg dibawah semua tersiram acid dari pipa2 itu dan semuanya pada teriak-teriak kesakitan. Pokoknya pemandangan yg mengerikan, cewe2 ini di torture, kulitnya terbakar oleh acid sampe mengelupas. Dan ruangan ini penuh dengan teriakan2 kesakitan. Terus gue liat diluar ruangan itu ada orang pakai baju item yang berdiri di dekat keran yang switch the acid on and off. He saw me, when I met his eyes, I was so scared that I ran out of the room. Gue terus lari, dan tiba2 gue liat didepan gue ada dua jalan keluar.
Satu adalah jalan yang luas, besar dan kosong ga ada2 nya. Persis disebelah jalan besar itu ada koridor sempit yang langit2nya ada pipa2 yang ngucurin acid, sama persis ama yg diruangan sebelumnya. Tapi di sejajaran pancoran acid itu ada ember2 yang berisi air. Nah lucunya, didalam mimpi itu, gue ga ambil jalan besar itu. Jalan yg plong dan keliatan aman. Tapi gue malah milih lewat koridor yang penuh acid.
Dan tiba2 ada seorang cewe didepan gue and dia tunjukin ke gue gimana ngelewatin koridor itu. Dia ambil tuh ember isi air dan ditumpahin airnya ke badan dia, lalu dia lewatin cucuran acid. Jadi setiap kali dia melewati cucuran acid, dia siram badannya dengan air di ember itu. Dan dia ajarin gue untuk ngelakuin yang sama. Cucuran acid itu sama sekali ga nyakitin kita because of the water that covers our skin.
Terus gue bangun, dan mimpi itu jelassss banget dipikiran gue sampe gue nanya Tuhan apa artinya. Dan Tuhan bukain…
Ruangan dimana cewe2 itu berada, itu seperti keadaan didunia sekarang. Di dalam alam roh, iblis menyiksa para wanita, bikin cewe2 ini kesakitan di dalam roh mereka. Mereka menderita, mereka berteriak kesakitan, mereka berdosa, dan mereka ga bisa dan ga mampu keluar dari dosa2 seksual mereka. Laki2 yang pake baju item diluar ruangan itu menggambarkan iblis dan dia yang punya kuasa untuk menyakiti para wanita tadi ,membuat mereka menjadi budaknya, membuat mereka ga berdaya.
Nah abis gitu ada dua jalan kan. Jalan besar dan jalan kecil. Ternyata ini adalah tentang panggilan gue. Knapa gue ga milih jalan yg besar dan keliatan aman itu? Ternyata jalan itu menggambarkan, kalo gue ambil jalan itu, emang aman tentram rasanya, tapi somehow, ada kekosongan di sana, karena jalan itu gedeeee banget but it just feels so dead, ga ada apa2. Kalo gue ambil jalan itu, jalan idup gue akan begitu2 saja. Kosong.
Nah kalo jalan yang satunya, kecil dan penuh acid. God was telling me something through this little corridor. Waktu gue ambil jalan penuh ancaman ini, membongkar rahasia iblis dll. Emang ga bakalan gampang, but Tuhan udah kasih tau caranya untuk melewati bahaya. Ingat ember air yang ada disepanjang cucuran acid? Itu Tuhan bilang as my protection. Gue ga perlu takut, karena ada ember2 air yang akan covers my skin. Air itu melambangkan Roh Kudus. I just need to be soaked in the Holy Spirit, and He will cover me from all evil.
Isn’t that awesome??? God is GREAT!! Seperti di firman Tuhan bilang,
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”
Jalannya Tuhan adalah jalan yang sempit, yang ga semua orang mau laluin.
So yah, mimpi itu jadi salah satu yang mendorong gue untuk terus maju ‘wearing my scar’.
Seperti yg gue udah cerita, ada orang2 yang butuh mendengar kesaksian gue, tapi juga ada orang2 yang mempunyai pandangan lain. Ada juga yg merespon dengan shock, kayak ga percaya, ada yg ga berani mendekati gue sehabis gue kesaksian di depan umum atau di suatu event, ada juga ibu-ibu yang memandang gue dengan pandangan matanya seperti bilang ga sepatutnya gue ada disana.
Kejadian yg paling recent terjadi seminggu lalu.
Beberapa bulan lalu, gue ada nulis blog soal tes keperawanan, dimana gue bikin surat terbuka buat pemimpin2 yang mau ngadain tes keperawanan. Disana gue tulis sisi dari mereka yang sudah hilang keperawanannya, termasuk gue. Gimana tes itu akan membawa pengaruh buruk dll. Ga disangka, tulisan gue itu membludak, di share ama banyak orang. Dari situ juga banyak cewe2 yang gue ga kenal, menghubungi gue, curhat ttg macem2.
Ada juga beberapa komen yang masuk, dan bahasanya tidak mengenakan. Ada yang malah menuduh gue seperti iblis, ada yang komen gue cewe murahan, ada yang bilang salah sendiri gue bego dulunya mau kehilangan keperawanan etc. Banyak deh macem2 komen. Tapi gue selalu inget perkataan pastor gue dulu. Waktu gue baru mulai sering kesaksian di seminar, pastor ini bilang ke gue, “akan selalu ada dua group of people when they heard of your testimony. Satu group adalah the broken, the people who need you. Group satunya lagi adalah mereka yg akan menghakimi.”
Yah so I’m aware, selama gue ngejalanin panggilan gue ini, akan selalu ada dua group of people. And I don’t care about the second group of people. Peduli amat mereka mao menghakimi gue gimana. My past is behind me. And I stand for my testimony. I’m the living proof that God heals and restores.
Yes, I was wounded badly before in my past. But I’ve decided to wear my scar and let other people see because I see the hopelessness of those yang sudah kehilangan keperawanan. Or yang lagi bergumul ttg seks. Some of these women ga bisa melihat kalo ada masa depan bagi mereka. Mereka kecewa sama diri sendiri, orang lain, rendah diri, malu dll dan yang terburuk adalah mereka ga bisa keluar dari lingkaran seks bebas. Mereka tahu itu bukan kehendak Tuhan, tapi mereka ga punya kekuatan untuk keluar karena setan terus membohongi mereka.
Again, I’m the evidence that God is real. I’m the proof (among so many out there) that God gives a future for His children.
I’m the proof that in spite of my sins, God forgave and entrusted me with a godly husband and son. And now together as a family, we are serving Him.
I see girls who are restored from their sexual sins, and now they are serving the Lord. Not easy for them, some of them still struggle but God is faithful. Salah satu dari mereka yang gue mentoring jarak jauh, (gue kenal dia tiga taun lalu saat dia baca blog gue dan dia komen) akhirnya mengalami pemulihan, dan dia akan menikah dengan anak Tuhan beberapa bulan lagi.
Another girl was beyond depressed, she was actually possesed, tried to kill herself a couple of times, sometimes she laughed by herself without reason, then the next second she cried and wailed. When I met her, she couldn’t focus. She kept twisting the Word of God that we asked her to read. So, kita adain doa pelepasan. And after few hours of consultation, she finally decided she wanted to get baptised and now, she is in the process of healing.
Those are what makes me joyful. To see how God’s children are healed, restored, begin their new life again with God. To show them hope in God is never in vain. The cost of wearing my scars is NOTHING compared to the joy I get, knowing people are released and bondage are broken, and the lying devil is defeated!
Yes, the wound healed, it didn’t hurt me anymore. But of course, the scars are still there. But I wear my scars proudly because when people see my scars, they will know Jesus is my healer and my redeemer.
Do not be ashamed of your battle scars because that is the proof that God is great and devil is a liar.
You might ask, what enables me to do all these?
Because God have spoken.
When God speaks, there is power to do the impossible crazy things.
Don’t give up. Your Promise Land is nearer than you think. Your attitude will determine how fast you will get out from your desert and reach that Promise Land.