I am a female. I was involved with porn and masturbation since I was 10 years old. I didn’t remember how it all started. I can only remember that I did all those secretly and kept doing it until I grew up.
When I reached 21 years old, I was in relationship with my first boyfriend. At first, he seemed nice and gentle. But as time went by, I could see his bad side, he was full of anger. Entering the first few weeks of our relationship, he kept asking me to give him my virginity as his birthday present. I refused, but he kept pushing, telling me… “if you really love me, you should give it to me”
So, because of his persistence, I gave it to him. From that day onwards, he liked to ask me for sex, if I didn’t give it to him, he would get angry. A few times he got angry with me because of small matters. Btw, he was a very possessive guy. I had to do things with him around, even talking with my friends on the phone. He had to know everything that I was doing. Well, we were living together at that time (We lived in Sydney, the story was I was in uni, and my boyfriend was working, but the truth is, I was already kicked out from uni, without my parents knowing) And when I served him for sex, actually my heart already felt nothing towards him, but because I was scared of him, I stayed.
Sometimes, when he was angry, he would get physical. He pushed me towards the wall, threatened me etc. He often hit my 9 months old puppy, and one day he hit her so hard that she died on my laps. He was jealous of my puppy because it seemed I loved her more than him.
One day, he slapped me hard until I fell face down, then he held me on my neck, like he was trying to straggle me, while screaming like a mad guy. At that very moment, I knew for sure that I couldn’t live with this guy anymore. So to cut the story short, I ran away from home, with the help of my close friends. But for the first few months, he still terrorized me, called me and threatened me. He even threatened my friends who were helping me. At the end he stopped all that because he had a new girl.
Since that moment, my life went downhill. I went clubbing a lot. And I met lots of new friends who lived ‘freely’, smoking, drugs and free sex. Almost every week I went out clubbing with them until dawn. Sometimes, I would get so drunk with them until I passed out and also tried illegal substance. A lot of guys approached me, until finally I was involved in free sex, had several sexual partners, one night stands etc. But during those times, I seriously thought of killing myself, because I didn’t see the point of living anymore. I didn’t feel anyone care for me. Guys just wanted me for sex, nothing more. I had a broken family, there was no difference for me having them or not. So I was getting ready to kill myself.
Until one day, I was introduced to another guy. We became very close and I liked him. He seemed really care about me. We chatted online a lot and somehow, I told him about my plan to commit suicide. He was shocked and tried to talk me out of it. So because of him, my plan was postponed. I felt he really cared for me. We became even closer and finally had sexual ‘friendship’.
But he told me that, he couldn’t start a proper relationship with me as he just broke up with his ex. He was still traumatized to start a new one. I was okay with that, so we were just sexual partners.
I thought I was ok with that kind of relationship, but I realized my heart was hurting. When we hang out with his friends, he never held my hands or showed that he cared for me. But when we were alone, just the two of us, he always treated me special. So his friends only knew that I was his sex partner. That hurt because I already had deep feeling for him, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to end this.
Since those days, I started to cut myself with knife, not to kill myself but to release the pain I had in my heart. To me, the pain inside was more painful than the pain caused by the knife. There was one day, I cut my both hands badly, then I walked down to his house, (he lived just two blocks away), and showed my bleeding hands to him. He was really scared and I think that was the time that he realized he was in a bad situation, being involved with me. I did read secretly his chat history with his bestfriend. He said he regretted being with me, he had no idea that he would be in this kind of mess.
When I read that, my heart broke into pieces.
The one I thought really cared for me, actually didn’t care at all.
So finally, I went to see a doctor, asking for medication to stop my depression. I thought it was hormonal imbalance, but the medication didn’t help. There was one day, I snapped and cut my hands again. And because I couldn’t stop it, I called my dad (who lived in Indonesia) while I was crying. All the 5 years I lived in Sydney, I never called my dad. He was shocked to hear my sobbing voice over the phone. He kept asking me why, but I couldn’t answer him, I could only ask him to come to Sydney as soon as possible. And before we hang up the phone, my dad said, “please don’t do anything silly, wait for me.”
I told about what just happened to my ‘boyfriend’. And he was glad that I finally talked with my dad. But as time went by, I felt we were growing apart. Until one day, I was sick of everything. I locked myself in my room, I got real drunk and cut my hands again with knife. A blunt knife this time, so I could cut myself over and over again until the skin broke and drew blood. I called him over online chat, he answered and I told him that I was drunk and almost jumped from the balcony. Before chatting with him, I went to my room’s balcony. I was drunk and I was looking down over the balcony. Looking at the ground far below me, I heard a voice,’ If I jump now, everything will be over, everything will be ok. I will be free.” So I lifted one of my legs over the railing, other leg already off the ground. But just a spilt second before I jumped, I was suddenly reminded of my promise to my dad. When he said, “don’t do anything silly.” Because of that sudden thought, I stopped and went back to my room. Now that I know God, I’m very sure that that was God’s intervention! How can that thought suddenly cross my mind in the very split second I was going to jump!
So I went inside my room and chatted with my ‘boyfriend’ in the state of my drunkenness. After I told him that I almost jumped from the balcony, he went offline all of a sudden. I became more upset, heartbroken and cried like mad until I fell asleep. Not long after, I heard my friend knocked on my bedroom door. That taken me totally by surprise because no one at home and I locked my house. Somehow that friend of mine got hold of my house key from other friend. So this friend went inside my room and asked me what happened. She actually heard me crying from the front door which was surprising because the distance from the front door to my room was quite far. How come she could hear my crying? How come it was such a coincidence she wanted to visit me at home? And because she heard my crying, she took a lot of effort to call me, but because I didn’t answer her calls, she tried to get my house key from another friend.
So to cut the story short, my friends knew what happened to me and they hide my knives away. I believe God used them, even though I didn’t know God at that time. And my ‘boyfriend’ also came to my house on that day. The very second when I told him over chatting that I almost jumped, he ran to my house.
One of my friends, let’s call her D. She was the only Christian friend that I allowed to be close to me. It was because I hated Christians last time, to me, they were hypocrites. Only D was close to me because she accepted me for whoever I was, never judged me, never tried to evangelize to me, but she just accepted me without trying to change me.
On that night, I only remembered part of her words,
“I have God, I have my boyfriend, but my life is not perfect. I have my own struggle with life…”
That really surprised me, because I always saw her as a strong person. Little that I knew, she also had struggles. So, since that night, I ‘woke up’. I told myself, “if she can do it, why can’t I?”
So for the next few months, I started to put my life back together. The relationship with my ‘boyfriend’ got further apart. And I got back to uni. But I still continued with my clubbing lifestyle. Still had fun with my ‘wild’ friends. I still felt empty in my heart, though. There was one night at my place, my friends and I were smoking marijuana. I didn’t know that marijuana was totally pure, with no mixture of tobacco at all. I smoked whole lot of it and my body couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t walk back to my bedroom, I had to crawl slowly. When I finally reached my bed, my body still couldn’t stop shaking. I was scared, I thought I was going to die at that very second. And I didn’t want to die. Funny, isn’t it? For the past few years, I had already planned my suicide, yet when I was really faced with death, I got scared and didn’t want to die.
I really couldn’t stop shaking. And this was the very first time I cried out inside and called God. I shouted in my heart, “God!! Help!!!”, And I passed out. When I woke up, I was happy of being alive! Hahaha. But then I forgot all about God.
But I believe that time He heard my cry and He knew that I was almost ready to open up my heart for Him. So He pursued me more and more. 🙂
So I moved on. Uni life, part time work, clubbing for another two years. I didn’t let any guy get close to me because I was sick of those uncertainties and mixed signals. I faced life with my own strength until one day I actually felt tired in my heart.
D, the friend that I mentioned earlier, often invited me to attend the cell group at her place or come for her church events. But only to those fun events, like Valentine cruise or Costume Party. I came because they had a dance party in it. While for cell group, I only came during the eating session, after that I just went home haha. But because I came quite often to their fun events, I came to know her church friends, and they were actually a fun bunch of people! Never judged me nor tried to change me.
One day, I hang out at one of the church leader’s house. Out of curiosity, since I love to read, I went through their book collections on the bookshelf. But to my dismay, all of the books were Christian books! But one book caught my eye, the title was ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’. Something just clicked in me, it reminded me to my situation at that time. So I borrowed that book.
In that book, there was one chapter where the author, Joshua Harris, received a vision. He went inside a room full of filing cabinets. He opened one of them, he took out the files inside. And he was so shocked because those files actually contained all the sins that he had done in his whole life! Joshua was a Christian, involved in ministry, but he had a double life. He was secretly involved in porn etc. When he read his files, he was so ashamed. Each page in those files had his name signed on it.
So he said to himself, please no one should see this, so he tried to burn it, but to no avail. All of a sudden, there was a man entering that room. That man was Jesus. He took one of the files and read it. Joshua tried to snatch it and prevented him from reading, but Jesus kept on reading without saying a word. Then you know what He did? He crossed all Joshua’s name from the papers and signed every paper with His own name! Using His blood!
When I read that part, I couldn’t stop my tears from falling down. I cried big time! Who was this person who wanted to take all my sins as His own? He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him! And why would He want to take my sins as His!! I just bawled my eyes out. Because of a man called Jesus. I never knew a man who would do all that for me! At that moment I felt, I finally found someone that understand me, understand my heart.
It was just indescribable!
Since that day, I was interested in a man named Jesus.
Who is He?
What is He like?
Why He did that for me?
So I finally accepted D’s invitation to her church to find out more about Him. I diligently attended her church service every week and read many Christian books. And the more I found out about Jesus, the more amazed with Him I became. Until finally I fell in love with Him. 🙂
He was everything that I was looking for in a man. I felt loved, treasured, pursued, and cherished. No man had done that for me.
Slowly He healed me from bitterness with guys, porn, masturbation. I stopped going clubbing, smoking, drinking etc. I was not interested nor excited with those things anymore. When I tasted the goodness of Him, other tastes pale in comparison. When I felt how He loves me, how He cares for me, how precious I am in His eyes, worldly satisfaction can’t compare to that and also no longer interesting to me. I was being satisfied in Him alone. In His presence, I didn’t feel empty or lonely anymore.
And He makes me feel so SPECIAL!! 🙂
God restored me fully until I no longer had any issue with my past. I had the strong conviction that He had cleansed all my sins away. I have been made white as snow. It took years for me to come to that point but I must not give up. There were times I was stuck in self-pity, but God reminded me again and again that I am a new creation in Him. He even put the desire in my heart to testify, to let the world knows, that God’s restoration is so real. Until I came to the point that YES, I’M A NEW CREATION! Let no doubt or whatsoever entered my mind again!
And all along I had been asking, “what’s the purpose of me living in this world? Why was I created?” God slowly revealed and guided me to my calling. Now I know what it is. And when I focused and chased that calling, out of the blue, God brought me to my future husband, a godly man who was beyond my imagination 🙂 God was very much involved and orchestrated all the process of getting to know him, praying, the struggle, the breakthrough, for three years until finally we got married in 2010.
Frankly, at that moment I didn’t give a thought about relationship. I was so content with just me and God. I really enjoyed my singleness, I was concentrating in finding more about Him. Ministry etc. (I have moved to Singapore around this time). Out of the blue, my mentor told me…
“Whoa God is beautifying you inside out!! I’m sure your prince will come soon, and he will be more than you have ever imagined!”
I just smiled when I heard that. Nothing more, because I didn’t think much about relationship. But it did come true! About a month after, my future husband really came to our church, he was a full timer (full time ministry). Yes, indeed he was more than I could ever imagine. I fell in love for the first time with his heart for God.
He only spent like two months or so in Singapore. Then he went to Malaysia for two years for mission work. And when I chased my calling in mission field, we met again. And after all the process of tears etc for 3 years praying for each other, we got married in 2010 and now we have two sons. 🙂
I know there are a lot of you who had ugly past like me. Girls who were involved with free sex, or even not virgin anymore because of other reasons. Don’t lose heart. God is a God who is full of grace and restoration. I am one of the evidence of His full restoration. When I repented from my sins, God forgave me. He also put this desire in my heart, my life testimony is to open up so many secrets out there. Secrets that the devil trying to hide. The devil says, you can’t and will not be able to have a godly marriage later, a godly husband. He can only lies, ladies! The truth is God’s mercy and grace are enough for ALL of our sins! Yes, we must pay for the price of our sin, it hurt to go through the process of His cleansing.
You know the story of a pearl? When a pearl was produced, its initial state was very dirty. It must be polished and cleansed until its shine comes out.
It’s the same with us. We were dirty, God accepted us just as we were. But He wouldn’t let us stay that way. He will polish; He will cleanse every dirt inside of us. Yes, it hurts, but it is absolutely necessary. Because He has seen our true worth, He knows our true value. But because that had been covered with so much filth, we are not able to see that. Only He can. So we have to let Him work hard in us, polishing us. Yes, sometimes we do complain during His cleansing process, but believe me, His cleansing process in me was tremendously painful because He knows I had a lot of filth inside, but at the end, it is all worth it!
How did I reach this point? Free from my past, restored, got married with a godly man, have godly family with two sons now?
The key is to really fall in love with Jesus. To feel how much He loves me, until I feel so content and satisfied in Him alone. I don’t have to look for love or approval from other people, especially man. Because no other man is more ‘manly’ than my Jesus who loves me so muchhhhh. Rescued me again and again, my Knight in shining armor. Pursued me until my knees grew weak. 🙂
By being filled with the Holy Spirit everyday, making me sick of sin. Holy Spirit gives me the ability and power to let go of the bondage of porn and masturbation.
Other than that, I also made the decision not to fall into self-pity. Never entertain! Once self-pity arrives, we must kick them out as soon as possible. Encounter with the Word of God. When self-pity says, “you are dirty, not virgin anymore, do you think any guy would want you?” Just kick the devil hard in the face with the Word of God that says,”God has cleansed me as white as snow, no blemish. God has a wonderful plan for me and my future. I will pursue my God, my lover until I know He is enough for me. Doesn’t matter if there is a guy in my life or not. I will be satisfied in Him alone.”
That’s the state we have to aim. Let me ask you a question. What if God wants you to be single forever, just being with Him alone? Will that hurt? Until you say YES LORD, it doesn’t matter anymore if there is a guy for me or not! And you said that not because of bitterness, but because you are truly satisfied with His love. What I meant is your heart will have to be truly fulfilled by Him, otherwise if one day you are involved with another guy, you can fall into the same old sin again. Because you will compromise. But when your love to God is stronger, you can stand firm, and don’t have the heart to commit the sin because you don’t want to hurt His feeling.
Say enough is ENOUGH! No more compromise, no more ‘just one more time’.
Do whatever it takes to take you away from that sin. If you and your bf/gf fall into sexual sin, don’t go to the secluded places. Don’t go inside his/her room. Recognize the pattern.
Mix with a strong Christian community. Be involved in ministry. That will build you and strengthen you to move forward. But you can’t always depend on people. Don’t make it a habit to look for people straight away for comfort. After you receive advices from people, you feel better of course, but that doesn’t last long. Go to God first instead. Let Him deal with you alone. At that time, God brought me to a very lonely place. I didn’t have anyone close as I just moved to Singapore. But at that moment, God dealt with me alone. I couldn’t find anyone for comfort, for sharing my pain, He was the only one there for me. That’s when I was fulfilled by Him, until I reached a point where I know He is enough for me.
Other than that, a mentor also important. Someone to guide you and correct you. Must be same gender.
Forgive ourselves, our past, our exes, or anyone that had hurt us. When we forgive, there is power of restoration from God through us. Confess our sins to trustworthy spiritual leaders. Healing starts when we confess.
Keep holding on to the Word of God. What He says about you.
Must understand that love is not sex. Some women make a mistake where we think love equals to sex. When we make love to our boyfriend, we feel loved, wanted, special. When I had that sexual relationship with my ‘boyfriend’, I thought I was expressing my love to him by giving him my body. And I thought, because we had a sexual relationship, I thought he loved me that’s why he wanted to sleep with me. The painful truth is when someone has sex with you, doesn’t mean he loves u.
Focus on finding out your calling. That’s where you will find out His great plan for you. So you will focus building yourself up, other than keep dwelling in the sinful past.
After all those, I’m finally free. Now, I really can’t imagine that I used to have that kind of past! Totally different life now. Serving the Lord together with my husband, one toddler and the upcoming baby boy 🙂
It is indeed beyond my imagination and thought! When I got married to my handsome husband, God gave us His word and His promise:
No eyes has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what God had prepared for those who love Him.
1 Corinthians 2:9
And the past is the past. God is able to change filth into beauty. Redeem the curse to be a blessing. The devil meant to destroy and kill, but God, with His power of restoration (without condition. It’s already yours), changed my shame to my victory. I no longer have any issue sharing all these because that’s what He wants from me, my past has no more effect on me. Sexual sins are covered up because they cause shame. But God wants to reveal them, because the more we conceal our sexual sins, the more hold the devil has over us. I don’t ask you to tell you secrets everywhere, but once you are free from all the bondages, maybe you can testify too, in your own way. Because the devil is defeated by our testimonies.
If I can be free from the sexual sins, you can do it too. I’m just ONE evidence of millions of millions of people who has been set free from the sexual bondages.
For the readers who read this, this blog post originally was in Indonesian, written in 2012. To my surprise, it went viral. Some requested to have some of my important blog posts to be translated to English to reach bigger audience, to bless their non-Indo speaking friends. So here is the first one to be translated. I do hope it will bless you guys.
Hopefully, not in distant future, I will write more details about ‘How to stop porn, masturbation and other sexual sin from our life’.
You see, God is so faithful to us. If we just obey Him, He will bring us far. My testimonies bring me and my family to places. We were invited to speak in different churches, travelled overseas etc. You see, it’s all because of His work in us. It is such a joy walking in our calling. To see many bondages are broken, to see many of God’s children are set free and receive the truth! God can do the same to you. You have a wonderful future in Him. Don’t let the devil tell you otherwise. Sometimes we tune in more to the devil’s voice than His voice. Shut it down and keep your eyes fixed upon Jesus. Hope in God will never be in vain. 🙂